Aggravation...

I leave work yesterday more aggravated than I have been in a long time...maybe ever.

(The details surrounding my aggravation are not relevant except to say that it's really sad when one person at your workplace can make life such an absolute misery.)

Chris texts me at around 6pm to find out where I am and what my schedule is looking like. At this point, I am in my car and heading in the direction of home, but know that I won't be there for a while.

I need to cool down.

Definitely need some down time.

So I call C to let him know that I have an errand or two to run and I'll be home in an hour or so and not to wait dinner if he's hungry.

My "errand" is to head to a favorite independent bookstore that is en route home where I read through People magazine and some other equally trashy mag (maybe "Us" or "In Touch"?) and then roam the store looking at whatever. I peruse the kids books and toys, the self-help section and also notice that a few of my favorite mystery authors have new books out, but I'm not planning to spend close to $30 for a book today. I can wait until these come out in paperback or, better yet, can check them out at the library.

I notice after close to an hour of this down time that my blood pressure seems to be getting back to normal and that I am no longer clenching my jaw (and I hadn't actually noticed that I was clenching my jaw in the first place. Not good.)

Still, when I finally arrive home Chris - who is watching the Red Sox and trying to enjoy his dinner - asks me about my day and all of my aggravation comes boiling out anyway despite my attempts to get myself cooled down completely. I absolutely UNLOAD all of this major YUCKINESS on my poor unsuspecting husband. He listens patiently and makes all of the right sympathetic noises. Also makes all of the "I can't believe that [X] is still working there!" noises, too, to which I agree.

Poor dear man. Thank you for listening to me as I ruin your dinner with my vitriol.

It helps to talk about it, but I find myself unloading a second time to a close friend in a phone call and only then does my jaw stop the clenching that happened again once I started talking about my aggravation (although it seems to have locked up again overnight as I slept and this morning I have quite the face-ache...)

I know in the near future when I'm a parent that there are going to be days when I'm pretty fed up. That our Little One is going to go on a 4-hour crying jag as she teethes or she's going to be two and a half and take firm ownership of the word"NO!" and drive me batty. I know that I'm going to lose my patience and find myself getting aggravated.

But somehow I just cannot imagine that as a parent that I will end up feeling the way that I did yesterday.

It's probably not terribly feminist or progressive of me to admit this, but there is a huge part of me that will be so incredibly relieved when this kid arrives - not just relieved that we'll finally be parents and that we get to experience all of the joy that goes along with that, but also relieved that I will be getting away from the workplace. Don't know for certain if we'll be able to swing it for me to stay at home full-time while our child is little, but more and more these days I am hoping so.

There are some women who want it all - the career and the family. Me - if having it all means days like yesterday then I definitely do not want it all.

No thank you.