05 July 2009

So much...part two

I've been reading several blogs written by Birth-mothers.

Why am I doing this?

It's hard. So hard to read these blogs...

So full of pain for the decisions they made, the children they gave up for adoption. So full of regrets, loss and sadness. And anger. Quite a few of them are so angry at Adoptive-mothers whose communications and updates about their adopted children dwindle or even cease altogether with the passing of time.

The Birth-Mothers write of too many broken promises in their lives.

One Birth-mother's blog I found very interesting and inspiring - Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom - because of her unceasing efforts to try to reconnect with the Adoptive-mother of her child and to get to connect with the child she gave up for adoption 17 years ago. And doing so in a way that is amazingly sensitive to everyone involved. What I find so amazing in this blog in particular is that the Birth-mother, while certainly expressing her own grief and suffering as a result of giving her child up for adoption and of broken promises from the Adoptive-mother, she is also (whether she realizes it or not) quite sensitive to the Adoptive-mother's situation and feelings - trying to reason out in many posts why the Adoptive-mother is the way she is. This is one of the first Birth-mother blogs I have read in which the Birth-mother acknowledges the fears of the Adoptive-mother - not that this makes the situation any less difficult or painful for all of the players, but at least there is an attempt at understanding. It makes me wonder if the Adoptive-mother on the other end of the Birth-mother's e-mails is trying to understand the feelings of the Birth-mother. One can only hope...

So, why am I doing this? Reading these blogs?

Because I want to understand what it's like from the other side of the adoption table. A woman is going to relinquish her child to me and my husband. As such, I feel that I have a responsibility to understand or at least to try my best to understand and be mindful of her point of view -her perspective - her feelings - even her needs.

Can I just blithely think that some woman is going to hand over her child to me, walk away and never give that child another thought? That Chris and I and the Little One will just become a family and the Birth-mother will go away forever? Or that we will never hear from the Birth-father?


Will I ever fully be able to grasp and be mindful of the sacrifice being made by our Birth-mother?

Probably not.

But I am going to try.

And so I am spending time reading the blogs of Birth-mothers and trying to understand and be mindful of what my role is in this process. How I can move forward as an Adoptive-mother in relation to the woman who is going to be responsible for allowing Chris and I to become Plus One - a family.

Chris and I have yet to determine the level of "openness" in our upcoming domestic adoption. I'm pretty sure that we have some long, challenging conversations ahead of us in this regard. There are major implications for everyone involved in our becoming Plus One - our child, Chris, me, our families, the Birth-parents and their families. Whatever level of openness we ultimately choose will affect all of us and how we move through the world for the rest of our lives.

It's a big decision.

It's a huge decision.

And so, for my part, I am information gathering. Reading, processing, questioning, and trying to understand so that I can work with Chris toward making an informed decision that feels good to us and takes into account the future needs of our Little One.

Unfortunately, no decision will be perfect and I imagine that all of us involved in this adoption will struggle at times. Still, we'll make our decisions - the Birth-mother to choose to place her baby and us on the level of openness with which we'll feel most comfortable - and move forward as best we can, hopefully in a thoughtful/mindful manner.

So much to consider...

1 comment:

  1. I just found your blog after learning I was linked here. It is SO. NICE. to read this, because you get it, you get the whole point of why I blog. Yes, a lot of it is to reason out my feelings (and yes, I do realize that I'm sensitive to AM's feelings :)) but it's also to put out there my truth in hopes that someone reads it and gets something out of it. Whether it's a birthmother who feels she's alone in her feelings and learns she's not or an adoptee who wonders if a birthmother does think about them, or an adoptive parent who just wants to see what it's like to be on the other side. I am very glad that you are taking time to read about others experiences as a way to sort of shape your own feelings/opinions/blueprint your own future relationship. I think that goes a long way in the future and tells me a lot about your commitment to try to be well educated, sensitive, amazing parents :) Which we ALL want to be, whether through birth or adoption.

    True, it's not always roses in Blogland :) I've read some of the "angry" blogs, and although they are entitled to how they feel, I just don't get it. I used to get insulted by them (especially the birthmother ones!) but then I realized that if it doesn't apply, let it fly. That's just one perspective on adoption, it's not how I feel or want to be perceived, so I don't read them. As you surf Blogland, you'll see you'll gravitate towards the ones that you get more out of in a positive way.

    I'll be gravitating back here! Thanks for reading, and I wish you luck on your journey with Little One!!!