I don't mean like 5 or 10 pounds.
I mean like enough that I'm pretty embarrassed about it. That I really can't stand to see myself in photos or mirrors. That I have to shop at the stores for "larger" ladies for my clothes.
And that I don't feel good in this body.
How did this happen?
Emotional and compulsive eating.
Too many French Fries.
Too much chocolate.
Too many lunches out.
Old deeply ingrained patterns of behavior.
I've battled with my weight for most of my life. A few times in the past I've actually been quite thin (although even during those times I would always describe myself as "heavy" or "fat") weighing as little as 130 pounds (on my 5' 9" frame.)
And then I've been heavy.
And then there's now...my heaviest ever.
But here's the thing...it's not about getting thin anymore.
If I think of it that way I'll lose the weight and then just gain it all back again. Diets don't work because we tend to think they have an end date.
I want to get healthy. And if getting thin - or at least thinner - comes along with that - then great.
Yesterday Chris and I rode our bikes into Warren - the next town over - to an art festival. It felt good to be on my bike. It was a leisurely ride, but even still, I was a little winded once we got to our destination. The return trip was a little more difficult because we were riding into the wind. And I was just that more winded.
I shouldn't have been.
I'm too young to be winded on a leisurely bike ride.
So as I was riding back to our house it hit me that this is the last piece of my personal puzzle:
- Marriage...excellent (I hope my lovely husband agrees with this particular assessment...)
- Kid...on the way
- Job...going pretty well
- Mental health...good
- Body...gone to crap
I want to set a good example for our child by living a healthy life. By eating well and exercising. By being able to run and bike and play without being winded.
So, yesterday I went to the store and bought all kinds of "good" whole foods. Ate well last night and all of today.
The desk folks at Bristol Total Fitness didn't quite pass out when I walked through their door at 5:45 p.m. today, but one of the girls' eyes did seem to be bugging rather alarmingly out of her head at the sight of me. My "usual" treadmill was taken so I hopped on another one and trudged happily and sweatily through 2 miles.
As beginnings go, it's been a pretty good one.
Tonight my mom and I renewed our "Pinky Swear" vow to stay on the path of good health together - to check in with each other. To be accountable for our actions.
That felt good. I'm glad that my mom can be a part of this huge step in my life and in my journey toward becoming a parent.
So....French Fries out!
Green beans in!
P.S. I have to go bathing suit shopping. Wish me luck...