Part of me knows that Chris and I are going to make it through the home-study process with (hopefully) flying colors. Part of me says, "We're great! Any child would be really lucky to have us as parents! I'm going to be a good mom!"
And then there's that other little, irrational, nasty, doubt-filled part of me that thinks its oily, horrible little thoughts in one almost forgotten corner of my mind. It asks in a terrible little whisper... "Who, in their right minds, would let YOU have a kid?"
Vipassana Buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal had the following to say about doubt in a talk entitled "The Five Hindrances: Doubt" given on November 24, 20008:
Doubt is said to be the most dangerous of The Five Hindrances...especially for the sake of the spiritual practice because doubt can cause a person to abandon their spiritual practice if you have enough doubt about it. It's said to be a very powerful force for some people and probably for all people sooner or later. Some people have a lot of doubt to begin with or in what they're doing. It's a major, major challenge for them in their practice. Some people have very little doubt. They can be very set, very inspired, very resolved and engage very deeply in practice until some major life crisis arises. Something really big happens in their life...and then the doubt can arise. "Oh, what good is this practice I'm doing? Now that I'm struggling with these major issues in my life I can't see this practice...what good is it going to do me?"
Doubt has the affect of indecision, vacillation, holding back, sometimes resistance, sometimes giving up...It can also come mixed with other attitudes, approaches and emotions. Sometimes it comes along with fear. Sometimes it comes along with anger, sleepiness, boredom, discontent. It always come along with a lack of mindfulness...This is one of the tricky things about all of the Hindrances, but especially with doubt. It has a kind of camouflaging quality about it where a person can be in the grip of doubt and we believe it enough - the doubt - that we don't see it as doubt.
Overcoming doubt and fear has been one of the greatest challenges that I have experienced in my 41 years of life.
Even now - when I am so happy to be on this path with Chris - this path toward becoming Plus One...When I feel so sure and right that this is what we're meant to be doing. Even now...
It's sneaky and insidious and catches me unaware.
And I have a moment where I wonder...where I doubt...
But I don't want to have those moments. I don't want to wonder. I don't want to let myself get into the grip of the little monster - the Fifth and final and most odious of the Hindrances.
So I'll share my moment of doubt here. I'll release it into the world instead of letting it fester and grow in that almost forgotten corner of my mind.
And I will be mindful.
And tomorrow will be just fine.