So much...part three

After posting on Sunday evening I continued to read more Birth-mother blogs.

It was still really hard.

One blog was so full of anger and vitriol - at the adoption system and at adoptive mothers in particular - and featured a lengthy post about the silencing of Birth-mothers by those in the system/adoptive families who apparently only want to highlight the gains and joys of adoptive families. She writes about being made to feel "evil", "wrong", "bad" and "without a voice" in the world of adoption. In her words:

Our pain, our loss, our complete denial of help and support when we needed it most, doesn’t matter in the least bit when it comes to making sure adoption is still seen in the great “happy” light as it always has been.

Also in her words:

Why even consider changing anything when obviously, the lives of those who have been affected mean so little to those who can wake up every morning thankful for how adoption has, and will, bless their own, deserving and amazing life?

This blogger and several others also expressed their rage at feeling they were coerced and manipulated into giving up their children into the apparent void that is adoption. That when as young pregnant women they went to family planning clinics and adoption agencies looking for help they were made to feel that they would be unsuitable mothers and that they should consider adoption as the first and only alternative. One woman described herself as feeling totally "expendable." Her unborn child looked upon as a "commodity." Another writes of adoptive parents:

They don't want to hear reality. They want to hear how wonderful they are for rescuing helpless babies from a horrible life with their natural families.

As someone who is looking to adoption as the means of becoming a family - reading these angry words is at once extremely upsetting and thought provoking. Part of me wanted to indulge in anger in return and to respond as such, but I realized, of course, that that would be pointless. Still, I felt compelled to address some of this anger with some thoughtful words by leaving a comment of my own. This is what I wrote:

I just discovered your blog today. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

My husband and I are in the early stages of adoption and so I felt strongly that I should leave a comment. I'm commenting not to try to change your mind on adoption or to diminish in any way your pain and grief. Obviously you and your family have suffered tremendously and for that I am truly sorry.

My comments are simply these - please know that as a prospective adoptive parent I am grappling with knowing that my husband's and my ability to have a family is predicated on someone else's loss. And that I am trying to understand and be mindful of this very difficult fact - trying to see things as best I can from the perspective of the woman who will give birth to the little person that may become an integral part of our family. Please know that there are adoptive parents out here - well, at least one - who do not believe that the woman who gave birth to our children are expendable, evil monsters or that children are something to be sold/purchased. That as an adoptive parent I will be so incredibly honored that another woman would allow me the privilege of raising her child and that I can only hope she knows the extent of my gratitude. Please also know that as an adoptive parent, I do understand that there are very serious implications for all parties involved - the child, the child's mother & father, my husband and I, our families, the family of the mother and father. We're not going into this situation thinking that it's all going to be happiness and joy. Because it isn't. It's incredibly complicated and requires serious thought, integrity, honesty, right action, kindness, and empathy.

I can't know what it means to give up a child for adoption because biological children are not an option for me. And I'm sure that I can't even imagine what kind of suffering that engenders - although your story and those of other moms in your situation have helped me to learn more about that. I'm looking at this from the other side of the adoption table - knowing that the only way that my husband and I can become a family is via adoption. Would we have a biological child if we could? Yes. But we can't so...

Again, I want to thank you for sharing your story. It's good to read your words - and for me to hear the hard stuff. And again - I am truly sorry for your loss and grief.

I have no idea if this blogger has yet read my comment (she hasn't left an additional comment on her blog) and I certainly don't want to push the issue, but it felt right to try to share some thoughts from the "other" side.

Are the angry words of Birth-mothers who obviously feel so disenfranchised and abused by the adoption system intended to make me feel like an evil monster for being an adoptive mom? I don't know - but for a while on Sunday night they certainly did.

Will this ever stop being so complicated?

So much to consider...

So much.

So much...part two

I've been reading several blogs written by Birth-mothers.

Why am I doing this?

It's hard. So hard to read these blogs...

So full of pain for the decisions they made, the children they gave up for adoption. So full of regrets, loss and sadness. And anger. Quite a few of them are so angry at Adoptive-mothers whose communications and updates about their adopted children dwindle or even cease altogether with the passing of time.

The Birth-Mothers write of too many broken promises in their lives.

One Birth-mother's blog I found very interesting and inspiring - Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom - because of her unceasing efforts to try to reconnect with the Adoptive-mother of her child and to get to connect with the child she gave up for adoption 17 years ago. And doing so in a way that is amazingly sensitive to everyone involved. What I find so amazing in this blog in particular is that the Birth-mother, while certainly expressing her own grief and suffering as a result of giving her child up for adoption and of broken promises from the Adoptive-mother, she is also (whether she realizes it or not) quite sensitive to the Adoptive-mother's situation and feelings - trying to reason out in many posts why the Adoptive-mother is the way she is. This is one of the first Birth-mother blogs I have read in which the Birth-mother acknowledges the fears of the Adoptive-mother - not that this makes the situation any less difficult or painful for all of the players, but at least there is an attempt at understanding. It makes me wonder if the Adoptive-mother on the other end of the Birth-mother's e-mails is trying to understand the feelings of the Birth-mother. One can only hope...

So, why am I doing this? Reading these blogs?

Because I want to understand what it's like from the other side of the adoption table. A woman is going to relinquish her child to me and my husband. As such, I feel that I have a responsibility to understand or at least to try my best to understand and be mindful of her point of view -her perspective - her feelings - even her needs.

Can I just blithely think that some woman is going to hand over her child to me, walk away and never give that child another thought? That Chris and I and the Little One will just become a family and the Birth-mother will go away forever? Or that we will never hear from the Birth-father?

No.

Will I ever fully be able to grasp and be mindful of the sacrifice being made by our Birth-mother?

Probably not.

But I am going to try.

And so I am spending time reading the blogs of Birth-mothers and trying to understand and be mindful of what my role is in this process. How I can move forward as an Adoptive-mother in relation to the woman who is going to be responsible for allowing Chris and I to become Plus One - a family.

Chris and I have yet to determine the level of "openness" in our upcoming domestic adoption. I'm pretty sure that we have some long, challenging conversations ahead of us in this regard. There are major implications for everyone involved in our becoming Plus One - our child, Chris, me, our families, the Birth-parents and their families. Whatever level of openness we ultimately choose will affect all of us and how we move through the world for the rest of our lives.

It's a big decision.

It's a huge decision.

And so, for my part, I am information gathering. Reading, processing, questioning, and trying to understand so that I can work with Chris toward making an informed decision that feels good to us and takes into account the future needs of our Little One.

Unfortunately, no decision will be perfect and I imagine that all of us involved in this adoption will struggle at times. Still, we'll make our decisions - the Birth-mother to choose to place her baby and us on the level of openness with which we'll feel most comfortable - and move forward as best we can, hopefully in a thoughtful/mindful manner.

So much to consider...

So much...part one

What am I learning about adoption?

It's complicated.

More complicated than I could ever have imagined.

When I set out to write this blog, I thought I would be posting mostly about the process by which Chris and I would become Plus One...you know, "we sent in our application today" "the social worker came for her first visit" "things are moving more slowly than we would like" "we're so excited" etc.

But what I'm discovering - thanks in large part to the beast that is The Internet - is that there is SO much more to this world of adoption to consider than just timetables, applications, social worker visits, and our happiness. This process is about more than Chris, me and our Little One.

So much to consider.
So much to discuss.
So much about which to be mindful.

For our consideration:

• the Birth-mother
• the Birth-father if he is involved
• will we meet the Birth parents? or not?
• will the Birth-mother want us there for the birth? Or not want us there? would we even want to be there for the birth?
• how will we feel knowing that our happiness is predicated on someone else's loss?
• will the Birth-parents express their grief openly to us and how will we all move through that?
  
• what kind of relationship - if any - will we have with the Birth-parents? how will we move through that relationship?
  
• what level of "openness" do we want? do they want?
  
• what are the implications for us, the Little One and the Birth-parents of a somewhat open adoption? of a very open adoption? of a more closed adoption?

More about this soon. It's late. I need to quiet my mind down before heading off to bed.