08 March 2010

My fantasy....

OK, so part of me has this fantasy that our Plus One is going to be this incredibly quiet, happy, cheerful and mellow baby that I just haul all over the place and she's easy and life is always great.

In my fantasy I'm at the Coffee Depot with her. She's sleeping beautifully while I work on my novel and Facebook with friends.

And in another part of Mom Fantasy-land I'm able to take her to the art museum for hours at a time where she giggles in her little Snuggly-thing (quietly, of course, so as not to disturb the other patrons) and I'm able to walk around to look at all of the art with her. She is also, of course, brilliant and already interested in art as a baby.

She never has a meltdown in public in my fantasy.

She never makes a scene in the grocery store and I never have to rush away from our shopping cart to throw her in the car and head home minus our groceries.

She makes all her wishes and needs known even when she doesn't have the verbal language to tell me.

We giggle all of the time together and are never bored or cranky.

See? Fantasy.

Part of me kind of lives in this Mom Fantasy-land that motherhood is going to be all puppies, kittens, smiles, totally cute baby and happy happy happy all of the time.

And then the other part of me lives in Mom Worry-panic-land.

That part of me worries and panics that this child is going to cry constantly and I'm not going to know how to comfort her. That she won't be terribly portable and we'll be stuck with each other in the house all of the time - miserable - because we're so sick of each other. That we'll be really frustrated and that we'll both end up crying and unhappy unhappy unhappy all of the time.

I suppose the smart thing for me to do would be simply to combine Mom Fantasy-land with Mom Worry-panic-land. To recognize that there are definitely going to be bits of both of the worlds with Schmoopie. That - hopefully - some days are going to be great and other days - not so much.

I also need to remind myself that there's going to be a great Dad in this picture, too! A Dad who is just as eager to be a parent as I am. Need to remind myself that it's not just about the Kid and Me - but about the three of us as a family.

Mom-and-Dad Land...not just Mom Land.

OK...so this waiting thing is just giving me waaaaay too much time to think!

**Addendum to post

Conversation five minutes ago:

ME: "So, what did you think of my blog post?"

CHRIS: "I liked it."

ME: "Really?"

CHRIS: "Yeah...[grins] but you're kind of assuming a lot if you think I'm going to be involved."


  1. The first 3 months of my daughter's life were incredibly stressful. I too had a fantasy of going everywhere with her. Well, she had reflux and colic. We went very few places. Momma Zen and Karen (the author) got me through (we talked on the phone a few times). She helped remind me that things always change, that babies seem to change around 3 months of age, settle in (Claire did). And she said in older times mothers did not try to go everywhere with their new babies. It was a time of nesting and nurturing. Babies sleep a lot and need it, but they seem to sleep best at home, in quiet places.

    If your child is a newborn when you adopt, you can expect to be homebound for the first few months at least. I started getting out with C when she was four months old, but it was for short trips. She was good for about one hour to 90 minutes of an outing.

    Yes, having a child really changes everything. It's a challenge. It's a path unlike any other, with its own rewards and challenges. When it is your real life, you will rise up to it and do wonderfully.

  2. And then, maybe not. Some newborns are extremely "portable", more easily taken around than when they are a older.

    In my opinion, you'd serve yourself and a baby best if you try hard not to imagine the baby being anything, I'd say this about a biological child as well. You never know what a child will be like, and they are always changing.

    I would think about my parenting style instead and discuss it with the other parent as to how we'd approach things, all things, so that we had whatever was thrown at us figured out as best we could ahead of time. Have no expectations, no preconceived images, good or bad. The only thing here you can control here is yourself. Do you know how you're going to parent? What you'll try if your baby does cry tons? What you'll try not to do? What kind of formula/food? How old you'll introduce solids? What's your plan for biting? Will you be spankers? Are you both grounders? Will you give allowance? Will you have pets? If it's a boy, do adoptive parents make decisions about circumcision? Will they have to eat food they hate?

    These are just some of the great things to determine about yourself and very helpful to know ahead of time! It can also be fun, and if you disagree better to know now and hash it out. : )

  3. Kathryn and Campbell - thanks so much for all of the good words of wisdom. Thanks goodness for moms otut there like you! You've given me a lot of food for thought.