Day 2 of my 43rd year on the planet.
And it's raining.
Again.
Under normal circumstances I'd probably be excited by all of this rain knowing that it's going to help our gardens grow lush and beautiful. But given our basement flood of two nights ago, seeing the rain this morning makes me wonder what we're going to find in our basement this evening when we arrive at home.
Chris says, "I've never looked at rain before with quite such a sense of dread."
The grey and the rain sort of match my mood today.
Feeling a little grey myself.
Blah.
I sit here wondering if anyone has called our agency to express any interest in us.
And I KNOW that it's stupid to be sitting around wondering this. If anyone expressed interest and there seemed to be a possibility of a match, we'd get the call.
No call = no match for now.
I know this.
Really, I do.
But I keep seeing the hits to our profile pile up and I think to myself, "What's wrong with us? Why are we still waiting?"
In an earlier post I said that I certainly wasn't going to put one of those "X months, X weeks and X days waiting for our baby to come home" counters on my blog. That I would be content to wait. Content - even happy - to be in the present moment. To focus on living and not on the waiting. Yadda, yadda, yadda...
And I meant that.
At the time.
Really, I did.
And yet today...while there isn't an actual counter on my blog, there is certainly one in my head ticking off the months, weeks and days of waiting.
How completely annoying, tiresome, unnecessary and pointless to be having these thoughts.
Blah.
Yes, these thoughts are tiresome! I remember having them regarding whether I would conceive, etc. In the past year it's been about whether/when we will find a house to buy. It's a process of becoming aware and letting go to maintain sanity. The more often I do this, the more present I'm able to be.
ReplyDeleteFrom the outside, I'm often surprised by how long some couples who look excellent to me wait. There's one couple right now who've been in the pool for more than a year, and I can't believe it--their letter is fantastic, and they look happy and relaxed in their picture. And they could get picked tomorrow. This is sounding less comforting than I had hoped, but what I mean to say is that it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with your profile, necessarily, and that it happens to a lot of people. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteKathryn & Susie - thanks so much for the good and supportive words. What an honor it is to know such kind women.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, but until I started blogging, I had always kept a paper journal. All of the stuff that you see on the blog would have been written just for me and I would have stewed on it and brooded and mulled. One of the things that is so wonderful about the blogosphere is receiving amazing words of wisdom from other smart and lovely people. Sometimes I just can't believe that people like you come back and keep reading and keep sharing. Thank you. It means the world...