Muzzy...

I'm kind of in a weird place right now with reading about and writing about adoption.

For a while when we were contemplating adoption and then in the throes of the adoption process there was definitely part of me that felt like I somehow had to defend our decision to pursue adoption - to everyone - even the people who were supportive.

Maybe even to myself.

Does that sound weird?

Probably.

I started reading blogs from all parts of the adoption world to gather information and to learn as much as I could about it from all angles. To really educate myself about the issues in the world of adoption. And there I discovered that there were a lot of people out there who were AGAINST adoption, which was a pretty crushing discovery for me as a prospective adoptive parent.

How could people be against my husband and I wanting to start our family this way? How could they think this was a terrible thing?

I continued reading more and more blogs, (and I'm embarrassed and almost ashamed to admit this now) to go beyond educating myself to somehow gathering information to "arm" myself for the growing feeling I had of needing to justify my reasons to adopt.

Ugh. It feels awful to admit that here. I'm totally uncomfortable with myself in this moment.

Luckily for me...this terrible feeling of needing to justify myself has passed.

Occasionally - like yesterday - I read something someone has written that is anti-adoptive parent and it gets my hackles up. I get miffed. But I've decided that I'm not going to expend a lot of energy getting upset or justifying the path we're on.

This is the path we've chosen and I'm ready to see it through.

I am, however, still reading a huge variety of blogs - those of first mothers, adoptive parents, adopted adults and prospective adoptive parents - not to arm myself with information, but because I've genuinely become attached to the bloggers. Even those who are adamantly on the "other side" - those folks who are not supportive of adoption - first moms and adoptees out there who believe that their lives would be much better had they not been involved in adoption in any way, shape or form. I know it sounds very odd that I continue reading these types of blogs - me being a prospective adoptive parent and all. But I have truly become attached to the people behind the blogs and want to continue reading their stories and sharing in their lives.

And I do want to continue learning about adoption because this is going to be part of my world forever.

Of course....maybe I'm hoping for some kind of happy ending for us all.