29 August 2009

Sarah...are you out there?

If you're new to "In the present moment..." I'm referring to the Sarah who appeared in a post called Becoming a mom...for Sarah.

You can also read the comment she left me at Becoming a mom...a new idea.

I have no idea if Sarah ever returned to visit here again, if she saw the post that I wrote for her way back when, or if she has made any decisions about pursuing motherhood with her partner.

I think of her often.

It's strange and funny how life can change. How things that you thought were never possible suddenly become not only possibilities but actual realities.

A little more than a year ago if you had asked me if I was ever going to be a mom I would have given you a firm "No" in reply.

Not a "No" born out of no interest, but a "No" born out of fear and anxiety.

And here we are today...in the middle of an adoption!

Even a few months ago, when I told Chris that I had changed my mind and wanted to start a family with him....there was still fear. Still trepidation. Still anxiety. But the decision was made and we moved forward.

And the amazing thing is that the closer we get to being Plus One, the less fear, anxiety and trepidation intrudes in my life as they are continually being replaced with joy and excitement.

Don't get me wrong - there are still days where I'll suddenly think, "Can I do this? Am I good enough? Will I be a good mom?" I'd be lying if I said otherwise...but now that we're in the middle of this adoption I can't really think of anything that I'd rather be doing than becoming Plus One.

Seeing Chris' excitement and joy is...indescribably wonderful.

He's in the kitchen right now making his famous homemade salsa (y'all will have to visit sometime to try it...so yummy!), listening to Neko Case and looking very domestic and content. I'm clackering away here in the living room watching him through the wide doorway.

And I'm thinking, "In two years we'll have a toddler running around this house. Chris will be making salsa on a rainy Saturday afternoon, the Saturday afternoon music will be playing and I'll be trying to keep the Schmoopie out of her Daddy's way in the kitchen."

What a nice thought.

Not one I ever thought I'd think! But here we are.

And then I wonder about Sarah.

Are you still out there, Sarah? Are you still struggling with your fears about becoming a mom? Are you still looking for help and reassurance? Have you talked to anyone about your fears?

Are you OK?

I'm sending you healing energy, Sarah, and hope that you are finding your way.


  1. OK.. Jennifer, this post had me in tears... I could just feel your love for Chris...and I could visualize you Chris and the Plus one together in your home on a rainy Saturday afternoon.. I think you may have just inspired me to want to be a mom sooner than later...- Suzy

  2. Chris makes his own salsa? So does Connie. I think it's time for a salsa cook off! Darn, you and I will have to be the judges. ~G2

  3. Just remember nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully Sarah has found her way.

  4. I just found this beautiful poem written by a dad to his four-day-old son and had to share it with you. ~G2

    Waking with Russell
    Don Paterson

    Whatever the difference is, it all began
    the day we woke up face-to-face like lovers
    and his four-day-old smile dawned on him again,
    possessed him, till it would not fall or waver;
    and I pitched back not my old hard-pressed grin
    but his own smile, or one I’d rediscovered.
    Dear son, I was mezzo del’ cammin
    and the true path was as lost to me as ever
    when you cut in front and lit it as you ran.
    See how the true gift never leaves the giver:
    returned and redelivered, it rolled on
    until the smile poured through us like a river.
    How fine, I thought, this waking amongst men!
    I kissed your mouth and pledged myself forever.