If you're new to "In the present moment..." I'm referring to the Sarah who appeared in a post called Becoming a mom...for Sarah.
You can also read the comment she left me at Becoming a mom...a new idea.
I have no idea if Sarah ever returned to visit here again, if she saw the post that I wrote for her way back when, or if she has made any decisions about pursuing motherhood with her partner.
I think of her often.
It's strange and funny how life can change. How things that you thought were never possible suddenly become not only possibilities but actual realities.
A little more than a year ago if you had asked me if I was ever going to be a mom I would have given you a firm "No" in reply.
Not a "No" born out of no interest, but a "No" born out of fear and anxiety.
And here we are today...in the middle of an adoption!
Even a few months ago, when I told Chris that I had changed my mind and wanted to start a family with him....there was still fear. Still trepidation. Still anxiety. But the decision was made and we moved forward.
And the amazing thing is that the closer we get to being Plus One, the less fear, anxiety and trepidation intrudes in my life as they are continually being replaced with joy and excitement.
Don't get me wrong - there are still days where I'll suddenly think, "Can I do this? Am I good enough? Will I be a good mom?" I'd be lying if I said otherwise...but now that we're in the middle of this adoption I can't really think of anything that I'd rather be doing than becoming Plus One.
Seeing Chris' excitement and joy is...indescribably wonderful.
He's in the kitchen right now making his famous homemade salsa (y'all will have to visit sometime to try it...so yummy!), listening to Neko Case and looking very domestic and content. I'm clackering away here in the living room watching him through the wide doorway.
And I'm thinking, "In two years we'll have a toddler running around this house. Chris will be making salsa on a rainy Saturday afternoon, the Saturday afternoon music will be playing and I'll be trying to keep the Schmoopie out of her Daddy's way in the kitchen."
What a nice thought.
Not one I ever thought I'd think! But here we are.
And then I wonder about Sarah.
Are you still out there, Sarah? Are you still struggling with your fears about becoming a mom? Are you still looking for help and reassurance? Have you talked to anyone about your fears?
Are you OK?
I'm sending you healing energy, Sarah, and hope that you are finding your way.