Friends and family who have known me for a long time were a little surprised at the recent announcement that my husband Chris and I are planning to expand our family by one.
To tell you the truth, I'm a little surprised myself.
In a journal entry I wrote:
"I once told Chris that whatever other people have that 'clicks' on in regards to being a parent that I don't have it. But recently...I can't say that I feel my biological clock ticking... It isn't really that 'longing' for a baby that I've heard other women talk about (in fact I still think that me attempting to have a biological child is still not a great idea)...but what I have been feeling is the desire to raise a child, to have the experience of being a mom and certainly allow Chris the opportunity to be a dad.
"I'm not exactly sure when all of this started, but if I had to narrow it down it was the first time I saw Chris holding [our niece] Amelia. There was something so right about seeing him cradling that little tiny girl...perhaps that was the moment when that little thing inside of me clicked (albeit very quietly.)
"Spending time with my nieces has definitely made me feel more maternal. And watching my sister-in-law and brother-in-law work together to navigate the ever changing waters of parenthood has been very enlightening.
"[For] the longest time, the thought of being a parent terrified me...How do you parent a child from a place of extreme fear? I lived my life in fear - unwilling to see my own potential. Afraid of failure. Afraid of not being good enough to take care of a child. I said to Chris on more than one occasion, 'How could I possibly be a mom? I can hardly take care of you, me and the cats!'"
In a follow up to the above entry I wrote:
"I am clinging to the story that I would not make a good mom. It's been my story - my suffering - for a long time. I want to let go of this clinging to suffering. I want to release it and be free of it and tell myself a new story - the story of me as a competent, confident, capable woman who is a good wife, a strong human being who could - if she chose to - raise a family.
"I don't know where I heard it, but the phrase 'A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.'
"I don't want to be afraid anymore."
I shared these journal entries with Chris when I finally told him of my change of heart and now here we are...