22 August 2009

Wow...that's all I can say...well, not quite all

I was looking at some adoption stuff online today and came across a website put together by a group of mothers who gave up children to adoption and who firmly believe that they were coerced and manipulated by the adoption industry and adoptive parents.

Here's what these ladies have to say about me, my husband and other prospective adoptive parents:

Just like a sexual predator looks for vulnerable women and youth to exploit, reproductive predators hunt for a vulnerable expectant mother so they can persuade or pressure her to give up her baby...They might be your doctor's receptionist, your sister-in-law, your highschool counsellor, or the nice neighbours next door. What they have in common is that they want your baby.


That's pretty harsh, don't you think?

The authors of this particular website indicated that reproductive predators (apparently that'd be me and my husband) will use among other methods: manipulation, coercion, lies, fraud, pressure, threats, guilt, and bribery to achieve the ultimate goal of stealing a baby from a poor, naive young woman.

It truly pains me to know that there are people out there who genuinely believe that Chris and I are going through this process by following some nefarious plan that involves using any means necessary to get ourselves a baby.

That there are people in the world who actually liken us to predators.


I mean...how do I respond to that?

There was a time when I would have gotten really angry or upset. When I would have had harsh words in return. Or when I would have crawled into bed because I was so hurt by the angry words...

But now...not so much.

I can't be angry. Obviously the women who set up this website are suffering and grieving terribly and for that I wish them peace, healing and freedom from their suffering.

As for any mother out there who - for whatever reason - is considering adoption today, please know that:

  • I don't believe that I am entitled to your child nor do I feel that you are not entitled to your child because of your circumstances in life.
  • I hope and wish for you that you CAN keep your child.
  • you can somehow find the strength and resources to remain with your Little One.
  • as a prospective adoptive parent I do NOT view you as a breeder or baby maker or the answer to my prayers - the giver of a miracle. Your child isn't a gift to be given away.
  • I know that you must be struggling terribly under the weight of the most difficult decision that you will ever make.
  • if you DO decide that adoption is best for you then I hope you might feel that Chris and I would be worthy of raising your child. It would be a privilege and an honor.
  • Chris and I are trying our very best to move through this adoption process with honesty, integrity, respect for all parties involved, empathy, and the best interests of the Little One in our hearts and minds.

It's late and I'm tired...so, I think that I'll sign off for now. Still a little shaken by what I've read, but at least secure in the knowledge that while they may think that I'm an evil person out to do harm, I know that I am not.


  1. When I read your post I was so moved. Hang in there! One of the bad things about the internet is that there is no "fact check" on what other say or proclaim. I find it amazing how other people know what is truly in someone's heart.

  2. Without sounding like a meanie, it's important to remember the child in this situation. If a birth mother gave her child up for adoption, regardless of any coercion or fraud that they now feel they were victims of, it was to give that child more opportunities than what they can provide. Adoptive parents offer those opportunities - you guys have had more screening than any birth parents ever will have! These women need to realize that they signed those papers, no one forged their names, and assuming a victim role now just delays their healing. I know these are hard things to see, but I'm sure there are FAR more women out there who are grateful that their children have healthy and strong adoptive homes in which to grow, learn and realize their full potential. Hang in there, and don't let anyone make you feel like what you're doing is any less than wonderful.

  3. "Obviously the women who set up this website are suffering and grieving terribly and for that I wish them peace, healing and freedom from their suffering."

    I know a 'birth mother' in person.

    You don't "have peace" from giving up your child. Nor do you "have peace" from knowing you were given up.

    However, I do disagree with the quoted analogy above, and I do think it's VERY extreme. I wouldn't have used that example to demonstrate the intensity of grief.

    But I will not downplay the reality of what losing a child does to a mother, either. I live in very close confines with someone who DID.

  4. Wow. I just noticed this was posted nearly a year ago.

  5. I found your post though the link you left at a friends blog. I am one of those horridwomen that runs a site like the one you are so offended by. Do I think all PAPs do the things emntioned? No. Do I think enough do that it is a huge problem? Yes. DO I think adoption workers fit that description? 99.999% of the time yes.
    What you are failing to see is that the agencies and workers are doing these things knowingly. They have researched down to the exact time on pregnancy when you should put pressure pn an at risk mother to get her to relinquish. They have books and educational seminars to teach each other the techniques. Sometimes PAPs are unaware of how they are influencing a pregnant woman but you can bet the social worker encouraging them knows exactly what is going on.I think with some research you will see what we are talking about. No one said you and your husband were terrible people. The system is set up in a predatory way and uses you as a tool to pressure pregnant women.

    As to Anon, you are just clueless about what you said. I don't have the time or energy to educate you so I will keep it short. Adoption does not promise a better life only a different one. Research has shown abuse rate on adoptive families is the same as biological families even with all those background checks. Those women you are so quick to put down are not playingthe victim. They and their children were victims of a multi billion dollar unregulated industry. They speak out now to try and prevent the same thing from happening to other women. They take a lot of crap for it. Read up on a subject before you assume our children had more oppurtunities and were better off. Mine was and is not for sure. Oh and if you can figure out who signed the adoption papers, please let me know. I had just recieved 3 times the allowable amount of vicodin and Phenergan in my IV so I would love to know whose handwriting that is. (I have medical records to prove how heavily I was drugged so can't argue with that)

  6. Mei Ling - as always, thank you for visiting and for your comment. I always appreciate what you have to say. When I wrote this post nearly a year ago, I certainly did not know as much about the adoption industry as I know now (I was blissfully ignorant...), but my sentiments in wishing first mothers peace at that time still stands. Please know I understand that you can't come to complete peace with anything as hard as losing a child, but also know that I would wish peace for ANYONE who is suffering for any reason - as much peace as they can find/achieve in their particular situations. My wish for peace is not so they can go away and leave me alone - or to assuage my conscience - but a genuine wish for anyone who is suffering to be released from that suffering in whatever measure they can find release.

    Aislin - thank you so much for taking the time to visit. Please know that I do not think that you or the women whose website inspired this post are in any way "horrid." Also, I wasn't so much offended by the site as shocked and incredibly hurt at being likened to a predator and a violent criminal. You yourself may not think that my husband and I are predators (and for that, please know that I am truly appreciative). However, the ladies who wrote this particular site seemed pretty vehement in stating that all prospective adoptive parents are predators. So, while I still genuinely feel for their pain and do honestly wish them freedom from their suffering (as much as can be had...) this didn't stop me from being incredibly hurt by their words.

    I hope that you might some of the rest of the blog should you have some time. If you do - you'll see that I'm painfully aware that adoption isn't all rainbows and roses. And I struggle with the industry and with trying to get through this process with integrity and without doing the things that the industry wants us to do to pressure a woman to give up her child. As I mentioned in the post - I really hope that any woman who ends up looking to adoption can find a way to keep her child. As much as it pains me to say it - I hope it takes a really long time for us to adopt - that's my hope. That we're really and truly the very last option for someone who truly cannot parent her child.