24 April 2010

Time...and lies

A mourning dove is awake early on this sunny Saturday...cooing its sad and mournful coo... giving voice to how I'm feeling this morning.

Yesterday...I speak with R from our adoption facilitator's office. She is yet another person there who is here to "serve" us through our adoption process, apparently by checking in with us once a month (now that the first three months of waiting have elapsed) to review our stats (which we can already review ourselves via an administrative website...) She is another person there whose salary we are paying with our adoption fees.

I ask R about what we should do to update or change our profile, which we had been told we could do after the first three months.

"Oh, I would give it at least another three months before you do anything to your profile. Really, it's so early yet."

Early yet?


That's funny. Our original adoption "consultant" (read: sales person) J indicated that the average wait time was 2-4 months. Three months certainly doesn't seem like early days at all in a 2-4 months wait scenario, so I ask R, "So, what is the average wait time that you're seeing?"

"Oh, gosh...I'd say like 6 months to a year and a half."

"Really?...So I guess 3 months is kind of early days," I respond weakly, a bit too stunned to point out to R that her colleague J had told us something entirely different at the start of this process.

I feel as though we have been lied to.

In truth - I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up based on J's original statements. I had certainly done enough reading on the web that I think I knew that the wait could and likely would be significantly longer than 2-4 months. But when the "expert" throws out those time frames. When the adoption consultant gives you the sales pitch...

I heard what I wanted to hear and stupidly got my hopes up.

My heart got in the way of what my head really knew.

R tells me that there are some changes we could make that might move things along a little more quickly like "some of the medical stuff." She suggests that we consider "birth moms who smoke" because "so many of them do because they're so stressed about this process."

Oh, you think they're stressed out? Really? I can't imagine why.

"And, really, the doctors we work with say that smoking doesn't really affect the babies all that much. So, y'know, it's something you could consider."


Apparently, those numerous studies over the years linking smoking during pregnancy to low birth-weights, a higher incidence of stillbirths, underdeveloped lungs and organs, and other serious health problems don't apply to expectant mothers who are considering adoption...

I decide at this moment that I really dislike R.


Because she's either (A) so dumb that she believes the crap she just spewed at me about smoking during pregnancy "not being so bad," or, (B) she's just knowingly lied to me to sell me on this concept.

I do not think that we'll be taking R's advice at this time (or at any time in the future...)

Still, unfortunately, as much as I might dislike R and J...and as much as I might feel that we have been led astray by these "adoption professionals" there's just no turning back now. We've made our choice and our investment in this particular facilitator. We simply can't afford to pull out now.

So, we move forward and we wait.

And we'll dutifully check in with R.

And we'll make changes to our profile now (against the very knowledgeable R's advice) and again in three months if we're still waiting.

Time will pass.

And we'll continue to fix our house and be in the present moment.

And eventually....this will all be worth it.

1 comment:

  1. Oh what a bummer. That is so unfortunate that they would feel they have to "sell" their services to adoptive couples...

    And I've never heard of an agency that promises 2-4 months, that is very fast.

    Just keep believing and your birthmom will find you, no matter what agency or facilitator you are with.

    Thoughts and prayers are with you!