Just when you think that you've got it all wrapped up and figured out, your sister comes along to kindly give you a gentle kick in the patootie. The kick that says, "Hey, snap out of it!"
The e-mail I received from my sister today:
I just read your blog this morning regarding M & J. Jenn, please keep in mind that it has been 2 years since they started this process of adopting their son. 2 YEARS!!!! You also have to remember that this is the same agency and orphange that they went through the first time with [their daughter.] Initially, on their first adoption they wanted a baby, but because it was taking so long they decided to increase the age of the child that they would adopt. Once they said they would take a toddler they received the call to come get [their daughter] (thank goodness they did because she is just the best).
You and Chris have decided to adopt here within the States (which is wonderful) and you have said you want an infant (which is also wonderful), but given your criteria it's going to take time.
Please also keep in mind that this is still quite a process for M & J. They have to travel half way around the world to try and work within a completely archaic system for several weeks before it's all said and done.
I'm not exactly sure what there is to envy about that...
Hang in there,
"Baaaahhhhhh" [this is me feeling just a bit sheepish...]
Yeah...I know what you're thinking: She's right.
And you'd be right that she's right.
Here's my reply:
Thanks for the e-mail, Sister-o-mine. Please accept my apologies if what I wrote offended or upset you. That certainly wasn't my intention. The blog is my journal and, as such, it's the place where I think out loud, share my thoughts and express my worries. They're not always great and noble thoughts (obviously...) and sometimes they're kinda whiny and pathetic (like today...) and not necessarily a reflection of what I'm thinking or feeling beyond that particular minute or day.
Thanks for pointing out all that you did about M & J's adoption. As I said on the blog - I don't want to have feelings of envy for them. They're ridiculous, pointless and completely unfair. I totally know that M & J have gone through SO MUCH to build their family and that it's taken LOTS and LOTS of time. It's just sometimes when you're the one waiting and waiting (it's been a year for us) and you see other people getting the calls to go - you have this moment where you forget that those people waited a really long time, too. For that moment it just seems like everyone else is having success at building their families but you (not true at all...and stupid...) Of course it's going to take time for us to get through this adoption. Every once in a while it's just hard.
Really - I absolutely could not be happier for M, J & [their daughter]. It is AWESOME that they got the call to go pick up their son. And I truly hope that their trip half way around the world is smooth, safe and without incident. And that they come home with a healthy happy little guy.
I'm just having that ridiculous moment of feeling really pitiful.
If our house wasn't completely wrecked by two floods in one week... if we weren't struggling against the disgusting and toxic mold that is now growing downstairs...if I wasn't overwhelmed by the chaos of trying to make the upstairs livable again...if I wasn't feeling so stupidly sorry for myself otherwise...if I wasn't worried that we are going to have to spend all of our remaining adoption funds to pay to fix the wrecked house...I probably wouldn't be having this moment.
Anyway - thanks for reading the blog and for responding and for reminding me to hang in there.
Hope you and M & T are well.
Thanks for the reality check, Sister-O-Mine. You're a good and very smart egg!