Found out last night that my sister's sister- and brother-in-law just got the call from their agency to head off to parts foreign in three weeks to be united with their second child. Their oldest daughter is going on the adventure with them.
I'm truly excited for them. They are obviously thrilled.
But I admit that I had "a moment" last night just after I found out.
"Sometimes," I say to Chris feeling just sick with envy, "I wonder if we should have gone the international adoption route."
"You can't think that way, Sweetie," he replies in a kind tone, "it's going to happen for us when it's supposed to happen."
We continue watching the U-Conn/Stanford women's basketball finals with no further conversation about adoption...me still feeling envious and at the same time horrible and disgusted with myself for feeling that way.
I never thought that I'd be one of "those women" who get jealous when they hear about another woman's impending motherhood. I must admit that when I've read other women's blogs, I've always been appalled by those struggling with infertility or adoption who get really upset when they find out that friends, family members or co-workers are pregnant. "Why them and not me?" they lament. "It's not fair!" They express their upset as such in their blogposts.
Never thought I'd be one.
And yet here I am. Totally appalled with myself.
Ugh. This feels lousy and I don't want to be like this.
Envy is pointless, useless and it's just plain mean of me to be envious and not joyful for M & J. They're really good people and great parents. So I DO set aside my own ridiculous feelings to wish them joy and happiness.
Envy really is a four-letter word...
I'm very grateful that I had my child when I did. I'd waited a long time to get pregnant, had 2 miscarriages. Then one friend in our "circle" got pregnant in May 2006, and I got nervous. We were going to go the IVF route but were spared that. As soon as I had my baby, everyone else in our circle had kids. If I had been struggling to conceive and have a child during that time I bet I would have struggled mightily with envy.
ReplyDeleteLife has never been fair although somewhere in our minds we want to believe it is. It's hard when we want something so desparately and we see other's get it faster, easier, or differently while we are still waiting. Life is personal and it's difficult not to take these things personally and get jealous, angry, envious, and upset while we question everything. Patience is not an easy thing to find when we are running through emotions like this in our minds and hearts. Be gentle with yourself. This is an emotionally charged process in and of itself without having to deal with all the external comparisons which we engage in warranted or not. Hang in there and trust in your own process and the right thing will happen at the right time.
ReplyDelete