Genuinely wanted to (and still want to) understand how Chris and I can make our adoption the best it can be - not just for us, but for the child we will raise and the parents of that child.
Another blogger, Mei Ling, had this to say about what I wrote:
I think the very issue with this (in the solely anti-adoption POV) is that adoption is not "the best" thing and can never be "the best" thing because it relies on the worst case scenario already having come to fruition.
As always, I want to thank Mei Ling for visiting and taking the time to comment. Even though we come from different places in the adoption triad, she has visited in the past and been someone who has engaged in thoughtful and respectful dialogue.
In response to your comment, Mei Ling, I say: You're right.
Adoption isn't "the best" thing because it does rely on the worst case scenario coming to fruition.
The very best thing would be that all babies are born healthy, get to stay with their families and grow up in their cultures/places of birth with all of their biological relatives.
Period.
I actually have a whole different version of this post in which I describe the "in an ideal world" scenarios and all of the things that wouldn't happen in regards to children and their natural parents. And in that version of the post I write about how I came to the world of adoption - my "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans" story.
But I've opted not to post that version because...well, because I've just run out of energy for trying to tell my story and have it make sense. I've run out of steam in regards to feeling like I have to defend myself about our adoption.
So, you're right, Mei Ling. Adoption isn't the best.
Adoption is complicated.
It's a complicated solution to building families in a messy, complicated, and entirely imperfect world. It's a whole world unto itself that involves love/loss/gain/sadness/joy/regret/hope/anger. It's about the haves/the have nots/the frightened/the powerful/the manipulators/the manipulated. It's about children. It's about children and their parents. It's about children and first parents and adopted parents - and the complicated, messy and imperfect relationships that they must navigate throughout their lives.
If it wasn't complicated, I don't think that I would have started this blog to process the experience for myself and for the people who choose to share my story with me. If you've read this blog, you'll hopefully recognize that I am aware that adoption isn't all rainbows and kittens.
However, having a family via adoption is my imperfect reality. And the best that I can do is to make every effort possible to make our particular adoption the best that it can be in its very imperfect, complicated form for the child we will raise, for ourselves and for our child's first parents.
Jenn, I love your blog and I too appreciate the people who come from all parts of the adoption spectrum. I agree with all of you that adoption is complicated.
ReplyDeleteHowever I don't think that it's always best for babies to stay with their biological families.
If all biological families were healthy and happy (and respectful of their children's skills, abilities, sexual orientation, etc.) then yes. But unfortunately not all people are able to be healthy and safe parents for their kids. That is why adoption is sometimes the best thing.
So I'd rephrase Jenn's sentence to read, "The very best thing would be that all babies are born healthy into healthy respectful families, get to stay with those healthy families and are able grow up in their cultures/places of birth with all of their healthy respectful biological relatives."
All best,
G2
G2 - you're so very right. I should have thought of adding that myself. Thanks so much for your very thoughtful comment (as always!) xoxo
ReplyDelete"But unfortunately not all people are able to be healthy and safe parents for their kids. That is why adoption is sometimes the best thing."
ReplyDeleteBut if the parents are not health and safe parents for their kids, then adoption is NOT the best thing. It is the "next" best thing, which really isn't the best thing at all, because it relies upon the "best" thing already having NOT been the best thing.
Therefore adoption cannot be the "best" thing. It can be a potential solution, it can be a necessary thing, it can even end up being a good thing.
But the "best thing", considering it is already dependent on a situation being "the worst"?
No.