24 June 2010


I think that I'm kind of done trying to educate myself about adoption from "the other side."

As a result of a respectful comment that I recently left on another blog I have been in turn called a "predator" by two other bloggers. Additionally, one of those bloggers wrote the following comment when I invited her to visit my blog - specifically the post about Compassion:

Don’t try to teach us compassion–we who have lost our children deserve to be given compassion!


Yes, you do.

That was one of the main points of the post.

And, in truth, I wasn't trying to teach anyone about compassion. I was simply expressing my feelings and thoughts about compassion. Asking the question: Why can't we be compassionate with each other?

But she was having nothing to do with me.

There can be truly respectful dialogue among the parties involved in the adoption triad.  I am well aware of this because I have been extremely fortunate to have had some amazing, respectful and thought-provoking dialogue and interactions with other bloggers who sit firmly on the opposite side of the adoption fence.

And then there are interactions like these - full of name calling and hostility - that leave me feeling sad and stomped on.

So, I think that I'm going to take an extended hiatus from visiting the blogs of those folks who are vehemently in the "against adoption in all forms" camps. I've been there and tried my best to educate myself. Read the stories. Asked my questions. Genuinely wanted to (and still want to) understand how Chris and I can make our adoption the best it can be - not just for us, but for the child we will raise and the parents of that child.  I've tried my hardest to be respectful.

As such, I will always welcome respectful dialogue from other bloggers - in any part of the adoption triad - and sincerely hope that those folks who have visited me in the past will continue to do so and to leave me their candid, thought-provoking comments. I hope these women know how honored I am that they took the time to engage with me about their views. And hope that I've expressed my appreciation at having the opportunity to converse with them.

However, I believe that I am done going out into the blogosphere and intentionally opening myself up to a stomping from anyone who doesn't like me - or even apparently hates me - because I am a prospective adoptive parent.

It's gotten too hard.


  1. You know, I think many bloggers go through waves of what they can and can't "take" at any point in their blogging adventure. I know that in my first couple years, I wrote some posts that folks disagreed with VEHEMENTLY. And oh, did they let me know it! And it was HARD.

    Now when that happens I have one of two reactions: (1) I just let it go and figure it's them, not me; or (2) I ask myself what happened to this person that led them to have this kind of reaction?

    I try to be respectful, but I've probably had my "flying off the handle" moments (not so proud of them necessarily). And I know why I get to that place. I've gotten there when it's insinuated (even if I'm the one reading WAY too much into something) that I can't be a good Mother because I placed. Not because that's what that particular author is saying necessarily, but because I've received emails telling me that I CAN'T be a good Mother because a GOOD Mother would never do what I did.

    And I carry that with me sometimes, and read other posts through that lens.

    I'm not excusing anyone else's actions, and I'm not even talking about your specific situation.

    Just saying that I've been there, I'm sorry that you're there right now, and that sometimes we can learn a LOT when we take the time to figure out why some people have the reactions that they do. (NOT to say you shouldn't take your break, process as you need, etc.)


    And sorry for what became a novel, haha!

  2. "Genuinely wanted to (and still want to) understand how Chris and I can make our adoption the best it can be - not just for us..."

    I think the very issue with this (in the solely anti-adoption POV) is that adoption is not "the best" thing and can never be "the best" thing because it relies on the worst case scenario already having come to fruition.

  3. Mei Ling - as always, thanks for taking the time to visit and for leaving a comment.

    I have much to say in response to your comment, but for a number of reasons - including the time and having just gotten news about an illness in the family - will need to hold off for now. I may end up writing a full post in response. However, it will likely be a few days in the making. Hope you'll please accept my apologies for the delay, but I want to provide a thoughtful/mindful response and am not in a place to do that at this moment.

  4. No rush. :)

    The only reason I even caught this post is because people come from your blog to mine! Haha.

  5. Jenn- You have been in my thoughts over the past week. I can say this though I have not been thru the adoption process. My heart goes out to you and what you are feeling. I can not imagine how anyone would be against giving a sweet baby or a child a home.
    Personally, having been a child from a "broken home"...a "rasied by wolves home" "an alcoholic home" and worse. I would have loved to have been adopted.
    I was almost 3 weeks late! I knew what I was going into and Yikes...(some baby choosing parents humour).
    I use to dream of being adopted especially by one of my mom's friends, Doris. My mother's sister wanted to take my away from my mother. Not sure if my life would have been better? Then I went from the frying pan to the fire...Sigh..I went to live with my Dad...not so great there.
    I have practiced forgivness and prayed on the matters; and through therapy and prayer I have come out Ok, I think. To say it has made me a stronger person, I don't know. I know I am lucky to be alive, I am lucky things could have been worse. I could be a statistic, a drug addict, a prostitute or dead.
    Only one good thing happened during my childhood; I got to see the USA! Well two I guess, I learned was what type of parent I would NOT be.