16 June 2010

Insomnia...part 43

From a prior post:

Last week I spend 40 minutes grousing to my therapist about how aggravated I am all of the time by work.

"Do you have the book Co-Dependent No More?" she asks me in her lovely calm therapist voice.

"Yeah," I reply, not liking where this is going.

"Maybe you ought to read the chapter on 'Detachment'," she suggests in her very gentle therapist-y way.


Last night I am once again sitting in my therapist's tiny office in the green, mushy, moderately comfy chair with my feet up on the ottoman.

"Look, I did my homework!" I chirp cheerfully as I pull the Co-dependant book from my bag. "I'm reading the chapter on detachment."

"And how's that going for you?" she asks. "Is that helping?"

"Yeah..ummm," I say, thinking of the very aggravating afternoon that I've just had at my office and feeling my blood pressure soar, "Not so much."

Present day...3:33 a.m.

Here I am awake and obsessing over work.

Thoughts of work wake me at 2:54. So I move out to the living room to try to get back to sleep without waking Chris.

And yet here I am more than 30 minutes later fully awake, feeling beyond aggravated and blogging about it.

The thing is that I don't want to feel like this. I know that my response to this particular situation at work - to this particular person - is totally out of proportion with the situation and now getting kind of out of control. Hence my being awake at this ridiculous hour blogging instead of getting the rest that I desperately need to cope with my job!

This goes way beyond me being angry about work...this is anger coming up that I've been carrying around for a long, long time.

In regards to anger (or any extreme emotion) directed at a situation or at someone else, my therapist recently used the phrase, "When it's really intense...it's yours."

This anger I'm feeling...it's pretty intense.

So I guess it's mine.


And the things is - I really don't care to to let this person at work trigger me like this.

He just isn't worth it.

Me getting so angry doesn't affect him or help me resolve the situation.

It only hurts me.

Why am I so good at hurting myself?


Um, no...not so much.

Yeah, actually not at all.

I have the feeling that my therapist is going to be a wee bit disappointed at our next session.

Maybe now that I have blogged about this - acknowledged that it's happening - I can get a bit more shut eye. If I shut down the computer and manage to get myself back to sleep I could still get in a few more hours.


Or I should say...g'morning.

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