20 April 2011

Might have spoken a little too soon...

Night before last...meltdown.

Meltdown #32? #33? Who can remember?

The night before last Chris comes home after his first long, craptastic day of the week (and, rather inconveniently it's Monday, so there are at least four more long crappy days to come) to find me puttering the kitchen, no dinner yet prepared, looking...pitiful.

"What's up?" he asks me. And then, "How'd work go today?"

And before I know it I'm absolutely bawling into his shoulder.

Bawling and sobbing.

Like I haven't sobbed in a long time.

And then last night, after another completely craptastic day at his job, Chris says to his still depressed wife, "I guess it's been easier for me. I mean, not easier, but I've been able to just say to myself, 'OK, that didn't work out' and then I let it all go. I've been able to move forward. It seems like you haven't been able to do that yet."

Apparently so.

My head says to move forward, but my heart...not so much.

I've promised my husband that I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist.

As much as I don't want to re-hash the entire adoption-falling-apart-at-the-last-minute for her (I haven't been to see her since December...), it looks like I'm going to have to. I don't seem to be working through my grief. It sneaks up on my at the worst times. Stealthily. I'll feel fine and then...BLAM!

Nausea, upset stomach, headache, tears, no energy, no appetite, depression, misery.

It's just so stupid.

I need to get over this and move on.

When will it happen?



  1. Sadly, there is no time limit on grief. The only thing you can do is surround yourself with supportive people. Try not to isolate yourself despite the depression pushing you towards it. The heartache goes deeper for you than this specific loss. It's many feelings rolled together. You will get through. See your therapist. Don't be afraid to face your pain. Love your husband. Keep writing. xo

  2. Just know that grieving is not linear. It is not that you move through each day further than the day before. It is often two steps forward three steps back.

    You will get through. You have to. The child you are meant to have is counting on you to.