15 April 2011

It finally happened to me...

 And the boys understand as much as they can, they really do. But I truly believe that we have these mama buttons inside that once they get flicked on they can be all consuming.
A friend of mine wrote the above to me in a Facebook message. While Chris and I are in the waiting/wondering/agonizing/hoping stage of adoption, "A" and her husband are in month 20 of struggling through infertility. It just kills me knowing how much A wants to be a mom and how difficult her journey has been so far.

As for me...What's kind of crazy is that I never believed that wanting to be a mom could be so all consuming. For many reasons (which I've discussed at length in earlier posts) I always thought that I didn't have that "mama button." While other women I knew were so excited to become moms, some even obsessed with it, I just never had that feeling.


Until recently.

Two years ago when I told Chris that I wanted us to have a family, I was thrilled knowing that my decision would allow Chris to finally become a dad because it's something that he's wanted for a very long time and I know that he is, of course, going to be awesome.

But for me...there was still a lot of fear. And still not "that feeling" that becoming a mom was what I was meant to do. It was something that I was choosing and something that I would have to work very hard at, but...

Until now.

Now, after two years of waiting and writing and reading and learning and hoping and worrying...It finally happened to me. That something in me that most women feel in their twenties and thirties finally seems to have clicked on. What A calls the "mama button."

However, for me it's been more like a seismic shift than a button click.

It's taken such a long time, but now that the shift has happened...man, I just want to be a mom. More than anything. And I want to see Chris be a dad. More than anything.

I'm trying hard to not let this feeling be so all consuming. To focus on being in the present moment and enjoying my life, but is it ever hard.

So, I send A and her husband healing energy and hope that their wait to become parents ends ASAP and I try to give myself and Chris that same healing energy.

Yeah, it finally happened to me...and it's driving me kind of crazy.

1 comment:

  1. That's a great way to describe it. I told my friends who are parents already, imagine you had all the same feelings/ thoughts/ focusing on your child but didn't have a child and that's what it's like to be infertile.

    It's tough.

    Hoping your forever match finds you soon.