17 June 2009

I'm fine...really

One of my colleagues approached me today to check in with me about how I'm doing. She's been following this blog and is apparently a bit worried about me.

"I've been reading your blog," she says to me, "and I've meant to respond to you, but haven't gotten to it. I just keep reading what you're writing and thinking, 'Oh, please don't worry so much! You'll be fine! You'll be fine!'"

I laugh.

"I remember that I felt just like you," she continues, "but you read everything - like Dr. Spock and the Dr. Ferber method - and you'll be just fine. Don't spend so much time worrying about everything. I mean, I was so worried that I'd be just like my mother, who was a total loon! But I wasn't," she pauses and then says, "Of course, I brought my own kind of craziness to being a mother and you probably will, too. Now my daughter thinks I'm a total loon."

I laugh again and ask, "And do you say to her, 'You're just lucky you didn't grow up with MY mother!'?"

My colleague laughs. We talk a little more and I reassure her that I'm just fine. She provides more very lovely words of wisdom. I hope she knows that I so appreciate her concern for me and for taking the time to check in.

And if anyone else out there in the blogosphere is concerned...

I'm fine....really.

The thing of it is that, although I am not physically pregnant, I am "expecting" - in the sense that I am waiting for the arrival of our baby. And like any first-time expectant mom, I have concerns and worries.

I just happen to be sorting through my concerns and worries in this very public blog.

It helps to write things down.

Often I am not able to articulate verbally what's going on in my head and so am not able to have a conversation about my concerns and worries. Nor am I particularly good at sorting things out in my head....the thoughts instead buzz round and around in my mind driving me a bit batty.

The very act of writing out my thoughts, questions, worries and concerns helps me to bring order to them...to give voice to them...to name them...to relieve them of the power they might have if they stay in my head and become negatively and dangerously repetitive.

I truly do not want to think "What if I'm not good enough?" 500 times. Now that I've written about that particular worry in this blog, I can continue the process of releasing it and replacing it (hopefully!) with a more positive thought. That's really it - I'm processing.

So, if my recent posts have had you worried or concerned....Thank you. I really do appreciate all of the concern, but I'm fine...really.

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