So much...part one

What am I learning about adoption?

It's complicated.

More complicated than I could ever have imagined.

When I set out to write this blog, I thought I would be posting mostly about the process by which Chris and I would become Plus One...you know, "we sent in our application today" "the social worker came for her first visit" "things are moving more slowly than we would like" "we're so excited" etc.

But what I'm discovering - thanks in large part to the beast that is The Internet - is that there is SO much more to this world of adoption to consider than just timetables, applications, social worker visits, and our happiness. This process is about more than Chris, me and our Little One.

So much to consider.
So much to discuss.
So much about which to be mindful.

For our consideration:

• the Birth-mother
• the Birth-father if he is involved
• will we meet the Birth parents? or not?
• will the Birth-mother want us there for the birth? Or not want us there? would we even want to be there for the birth?
• how will we feel knowing that our happiness is predicated on someone else's loss?
• will the Birth-parents express their grief openly to us and how will we all move through that?
  
• what kind of relationship - if any - will we have with the Birth-parents? how will we move through that relationship?
  
• what level of "openness" do we want? do they want?
  
• what are the implications for us, the Little One and the Birth-parents of a somewhat open adoption? of a very open adoption? of a more closed adoption?

More about this soon. It's late. I need to quiet my mind down before heading off to bed.

A bit of sadness...

Sometimes I wish that I had never discovered the Internet and that I could just live my life in blissful ignorance.

No...not really.

But sometimes having access to so much information is not always a blessing.

I've been exploring a plethora adoption blogs - adoptive parents, birth mothers and adoptees.

My explorations have certainly been illuminating...

There is so much intense emotion expressed by the various adoption bloggers whose words have appeared on my computer screen over the last few weeks (especially this evening.) So much regret. So much determination to find out the truth. So much bitterness at not being able to find the truth or being rejected by one family member or another. So much fear. So much pain. So much anger. So much grief. So much loss.

So much.

So much.

So much.

I want to write more about this. I want to address some of the issues about which I've been reading. I want to question and to process, but the truth is that I'm feeling very sad and overwhelmed by much of what I've read this evening and not in a good place to be mindful/thoughtful/reflective/empathetic.

So I think that I will instead take myself to bed.

However, when I am in a better place emotionally I will revisit the so much-ness of this post.