It's been 70+ days since we found out that the adoption fell through.
In that time I've: wept, blogged, withdrawn from the world, come back out into the world, exercised, not exercised, gained and lost 6 pounds, gone back to therapy, attended a conference for work, decided that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I continue my work, tendered my resignation (effective July 1), started looking into new careers and returning to school, cleaned my house, let my house become a complete wreck, avoided the subject of adoption, talked incessantly about adoption, got weepy when I would see little babies out with their moms, came down with The Plague, missed a week of work, started revamping my novel.
And...
At least over the course of the past week, I stopped thinking about the fact that I am still not a mom.
Until today.
It just kind of hit me. And I don't know why. I walk into the house after my trip to the gym and there it is loud and clear in my head:
I. Am. Still. Not. A. Mom.
Which then leads to this thought:
Chris. Is. Still. Not. A. Dad.
And the really sad thing is that we're not having those great little conversations that we had been having for a long time before the adoption fell through...
"We're not going to be able to sleep in on the weekends anymore once the baby comes."
"I can't wait until we get to take her to her first PawSox game!"
"Omigod. I am so not looking forward to the poopy diapers."
Nope.
It seems like we've kind of lost our enthusiasm.
We've turned our attention to other things to avoid thinking about the fact that we were supposed to be more than two months into parenthood by now.
I am still not a mom.
Which kind of sucks.
However, there's not much I can do about that now except be in the present moment.
And so in this present moment I am off to drink a green smoothie, have some lunch, shower and then hit the grocery store.
Life goes on.
It hit me hard this Mothers Day, more so then the last few years. Maybe it's because in December(when we had our failed match), I was sure that I'd be a mother by now. But like you said, it was just another reminder, I'm not a mom.
ReplyDeleteJenn - thanks so much for taking the time to visit and to leave a comment.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you've had to endure so much over the last two years (I checked out your blog - love the title.) Will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you and your husband to become parents sooner rather than later.
(P.S. I'm a Jenn with two n's, too!)
There is something about innocence lost. It changes you and you are never quite the same.
ReplyDeleteYour enthusiasm will return in degrees, although you will likely be more cautious.
It sucks to have it robbed from you but you are grieving and your mind protects your heart.
I hope you get some of it back so that you tap in to why are you doing this in the first place.