My father-in-law, upon learning the news that we are planning to adopt, says to Chris "It's the most important thing you'll ever do." Of this, I'm certain. However, I do - even in the midst of the joy I'm feeling now that we're on the road to being Plus One - have that one really niggling worry...
What if I'm not good enough?
For a lot of years (more than I'd care to recollect or admit) I had no confidence in myself - professionally or personally. The story I told myself over and over:
I'm not good enough.
I was (and sadly sometimes still am) plagued by fear, doubt and a rather unfortunate tendency toward perfectionism... not an ideal combination of qualities because they most often seem to result in the "If I can't do it well, I just won't do it at all" syndrome. Over the years I turned down several promotions, ran from relationships, sabotaged myself in grad school (twice), and certainly didn't take the kinds of risks that could have and would have greatly enriched my life...
like becoming a mother...
All because I convinced myself that I wasn't "good enough" to either engage successfully (or perfectly) in those professional/educational/personal activities. And I'm sure that a big part of me simply didn't believe or accept that I was "good enough" to deserve good things in my life.
Thankfully I didn't run from Chris (8 years of marriage and counting!) and even more thankfully I am opening myself up to motherhood.
But what does it mean to be a "good" mother?
Are all mothers assailed by doubt?
When I study my sister-in-law as she navigates the waters of motherhood I'm always amazed by the vast amount of patience she seems to have for her little girls. She rarely seems phased... Disgusting dirty diaper? Whatever. Screaming 4 year-old? No problem. Toys all over the house and piles of laundry yet to fold? Hey, it is what it is.
My sister-in-law has settled into motherhood with a lovely kind of grace - like it's what she was always meant to do. My nieces are for the most part very happy little girls - the oldest a story teller and artist who chatters away and the baby a smiley little thing who has a wonderful disposition.
It's the same way with my friend E and her two Little Ones - daughter F & son A. I have yet to hear E raise her voice when F and A are bickering or getting out of hand. Nor have I ever heard her treat her children with any less respect than she would another adult. Because she has always treated her children like adults they are incredibly articulate, respectful, mindful and truly amazing little people.
I look at my mom, at my mother-in-law and at my father-in-law's lovely wife and marvel at the their skills, talents and patience as mothers and human beings. And I realize that I have so many resources from which to draw strength, inspiration and support. These are the women who are good mothers.
Today I happened to be in Whole Foods Market and had to make a trip to the ladies room. Upon opening the door I came upon the following scene: A mom on her knees in front of a little girl (obviously her daughter - maybe 5 years old) who has a her pants down and is crying a little. The mom looks at me and in a very calm voice says, "We spilled some hot soup" as if she has to explain this to me.
"Oh, dear," I reply.
The little girl snuffles a little as her mother applies to the reddened area of the girl's leg a paper towel that she has soaked in cool water. "OK," the mom still in a nice calm voice, "that's nice and cool isn't it?"
The little girl nods. Snuffles a little more.
"This is going to make that hot feeling go away," says the mom. "And you know what?"
"What?" asks the little girl.
"They have some really nice lotion here and we'll put that on your leg after it's all cooled off so it will feel just like new."
A nod from the little girl. Then she looks down and says something too quiet to hear.
"What was that, Sweetie?"
"I spilled the soup on the bench," she says just a little louder.
"Well, that's OK. That should be pretty easy to clean up," says the mom in her very calm voice as she continues with a new cold compress.
"And," says the little girl, "I spilled all over the table, too."
She looks embarrassed.
"You know what, Sweetie? People spill here all of the time so they make the tables really easy to clean. It's not a problem at all."
After I finish my business in the ladies room, I leave the mom and her daughter behind to finish cleaning the jeans of soup stains.
I think to myself, "That lady is a good mom."
10 June 2009
09 June 2009
Morning grumpies...
I woke up feeling kind of grumpy this morning (oh, my lucky husband!) Went to bed too late last evening and had strange dreams all night. So I awoke feeling somewhat more tired than when I went to bed.
Morning Grumpies.
I have them when I don't sleep well or long enough or when I hit the sack too late or when my sleep is interrupted by a howling cat.
Yes, we have a really old, barf-prone, howling-prone kitty. Annabel is turning 19 in just a few short months and we think that she has a bit of kitty-dementia. 3:30 in the morning apparently seems like a s good time to her to wake up to demand food and attention. Argh.
It occurs to me this a.m. as I am working through my Morning Grumpies that I will not be able to indulge in my Morning Grumpies for much longer. I can't be grumpy with The Kid when she arrives. Our Little One should see only cheerful faces in the morning - faces full of love and happiness. Not a scowling face full of the Morning Grumpies.
I'm going to have to deal with mornings minus the Grumpies.
Is it realistic of me to think that I'll be able to be happy every morning and greet our Little One with smiles and a chipper attitude? Probably not (especially if the Little One and the Annabel don't sleep through the night!), but I'd like to try.
Morning Grumpies are something of a luxury that I allow myself from time to time, but something that I don't necessarily want to inflict on our child (Chris is, however, a different story!...He just laughs at my Morning Grumpies and makes fun of me...like today. I say to him from the comfort of our bed, "I'm really grumpy" to which he replies with a grin, "I know. Why do you think I'm leaving the room?" and with a swirl of blue plaid bathrobe he is out the bedroom door to retrieve laundry.)
My Morning Grumpies have subsided (they never usually last that long) so I suppose I ought to head upstairs to take care of ironing our clothes for the day.
Morning Grumpies.
I have them when I don't sleep well or long enough or when I hit the sack too late or when my sleep is interrupted by a howling cat.
Yes, we have a really old, barf-prone, howling-prone kitty. Annabel is turning 19 in just a few short months and we think that she has a bit of kitty-dementia. 3:30 in the morning apparently seems like a s good time to her to wake up to demand food and attention. Argh.
It occurs to me this a.m. as I am working through my Morning Grumpies that I will not be able to indulge in my Morning Grumpies for much longer. I can't be grumpy with The Kid when she arrives. Our Little One should see only cheerful faces in the morning - faces full of love and happiness. Not a scowling face full of the Morning Grumpies.
I'm going to have to deal with mornings minus the Grumpies.
Is it realistic of me to think that I'll be able to be happy every morning and greet our Little One with smiles and a chipper attitude? Probably not (especially if the Little One and the Annabel don't sleep through the night!), but I'd like to try.
Morning Grumpies are something of a luxury that I allow myself from time to time, but something that I don't necessarily want to inflict on our child (Chris is, however, a different story!...He just laughs at my Morning Grumpies and makes fun of me...like today. I say to him from the comfort of our bed, "I'm really grumpy" to which he replies with a grin, "I know. Why do you think I'm leaving the room?" and with a swirl of blue plaid bathrobe he is out the bedroom door to retrieve laundry.)
My Morning Grumpies have subsided (they never usually last that long) so I suppose I ought to head upstairs to take care of ironing our clothes for the day.
08 June 2009
Words of wisdom...
"I know you're not supposed to say this," says my friend J yesterday over the remains of burgers and hotdogs on our deck, "but every once in a while I can totally understand the concept of child abuse."
He shoots me a wry grin.
I laugh.
We watch his children - daughter F (age 9) and son A (age 4) - play badminton with Chris in the backyard.
He continues, "Sometimes they'll just aggravate you SO much you just want to pick them up and shake them really, really hard. But, of course, you can't DO that," he pauses while his wife E laughs and nods in agreement, "but then they'll come up, do something really cute and sweet, or put their little arms around you and give you kisses and tell you that they love you and it's all worth it."
Good to know.
He shoots me a wry grin.
I laugh.
We watch his children - daughter F (age 9) and son A (age 4) - play badminton with Chris in the backyard.
He continues, "Sometimes they'll just aggravate you SO much you just want to pick them up and shake them really, really hard. But, of course, you can't DO that," he pauses while his wife E laughs and nods in agreement, "but then they'll come up, do something really cute and sweet, or put their little arms around you and give you kisses and tell you that they love you and it's all worth it."
Good to know.
07 June 2009
Too much sharing?
A few of my colleagues and I were in a meeting and chatting about the strange world in which we now live - the world of sharing one's every thought and activity with "the world" via blog, Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter. (Please note that I am SO not cool enough to send out Tweets via Twitter...I have opted instead to blog, which is apparently SO over....according to a New York Times article Blogs Falling in an Empty Forest...only 7.4 million blogs of the 133 million blogs tracked by Technorati were updated in the last 120 days....)
One of my colleagues expressed confusion about Twitter, "I don't really understand what it is," he says.
Another colleagues pipes up, "It's like micro-blogging. You get 160 characters and you send those out into the world. If you want to follow someone's Twittering you can choose to have it viewed on your computer or sent directly to your cell phone."
"So, what exactly do you do on Twitter?" asks the first colleague.
"Well, it's like people share their most immediate thoughts or activities and it creates usually really stupid dialogues like, 'Oh, I have to go to the bathroom' and then someone else Tweet's back, 'Really, I just went to the bathroom like 10 minutes ago!'"
Everyone laughs.
"It's so WEIRD that people want to share that stuff with the world!" exclaims another colleague in our meeting.
Are we sharing too much?
For me there isn't much draw in Tweeting via Twitter (in part because "Tweet" and "Twitter" just sound so...stupid) because I can't express enough in just 160 characters. I opted to blog at first simply to provide friends, family and colleagues regular updates about our adoption experience. However, since writing comes about as naturally to me as breathing this format seems to be working well for me.
But am I sharing too much?
I am a LONG-TIME journal keeper - since I was 13 and now I'm 41. When I write about my life and experiences in my private journals, obviously I don't hold back. This blog has certainly, at least for the time being, replaced my private journals and I find myself sharing quite a bit with "the world." Should I be holding back here? I mean - people with whom I work are reading this.
In our conversation on Friday, some of my colleagues and I questioned whether it's a good idea to post crazy or exceptionally personal things on places like Facebook or in a blog.
"A lot of employers," says one of my colleagues, "actually go to Facebook pages to check out prospective employees. I mean, if you've posted a photo of yourself drunk and stupid on your Facebook page, is that what you want your future employer to be seeing?"
Do my colleagues need to know my inner-most thoughts and fears about becoming a mom? Will it make them uncomfortable when they see me around the office?
This same colleague went on to describe the case of a young teacher who was denied her teaching certification because of a photo she posted on her Facebook page showing her wearing a pirate hat, holding what looked like a mug of beer, and captioned "Drunken Pirate." The young teacher apparently appealed the decision and was ultimately granted her certification.
What if I leave this job eventually and as I'm searching for another job my prospective future employer Googles me and encounters this blog? Will I have shared too much and will that person be turned off to me? Will I lose out on a job because I have shared too much?
Why DO we feel so compelled in today's world to share so much of our private lives? Whether it's reporting on your bathroom trips via Twitter or your Drunken Pirate party experience on Facebook or your experience of becoming an adoptive parent as reported on BlogSpot.com?
I can't answer for anyone else, but for me...I like to read people's personal stories. I can't say that I would particularly care to read about everyone's need to head to the loo, but somehow I find that reading other people's stories about motherhood, their professional lives, their spiritual lives, etc. helps me to order my own world. I so appreciate that these folks are willing to share - to be brave and put their thoughts out there.
It's kind of like the way I prefer to read fiction narratives to non-fiction or biographies. I relate better to a story when I understand what the character is thinking via inner monologues and the dialogue of that character with other characters in the book. I recently finished reading March by Geraldine Brooks (a fantastic read if you need a new book!) and learned more about the Civil War than I ever did during the history classes I was forced to take in high school (history classes in which I had to attempt to digest the most dry, boring history text books in the world) because the characters were so compelling and I felt that I was living just a little bit of that experience through their tales.
A true personal story or a fictionalized account of a person experiencing an historical event simply resonates with me and stays with me.
And so I read blogs to learn about how other people are coping with their lives. What they're thinking and feeling and doig about those thoughts and feelings. And this helps me to bring order to my own thoughts and my own life. It is comforting to know that other really bright, intelligent men and women struggle with the same issues that crop up in my own life (not that I wish struggles on anyone!) Reading about how these bloggers work through those struggles is often quite inspiring.
And sometimes I leave a comment or two - maybe something that might help them even a little in working through whatever it is they need to work through or even just to remind them when they're struggling that there are other folks out there who can empathize. A comment that says, "I hear you."
For me - blogs represent shared human experience. Perhaps I am hoping that by sharing my experience with people "out there" in the blogosphere that something in my story may help them make some order of their own experiences. Maybe someone will hear me, too and leave me that little comment that makes all the difference.
And so my plan is to continue to share my inner-most thoughts about this adoption journey and, most likely, to continue sharing about my experience of motherhood once the Little One arrives and we become Plus One.
Have I shared too much here?
One of my colleagues expressed confusion about Twitter, "I don't really understand what it is," he says.
Another colleagues pipes up, "It's like micro-blogging. You get 160 characters and you send those out into the world. If you want to follow someone's Twittering you can choose to have it viewed on your computer or sent directly to your cell phone."
"So, what exactly do you do on Twitter?" asks the first colleague.
"Well, it's like people share their most immediate thoughts or activities and it creates usually really stupid dialogues like, 'Oh, I have to go to the bathroom' and then someone else Tweet's back, 'Really, I just went to the bathroom like 10 minutes ago!'"
Everyone laughs.
"It's so WEIRD that people want to share that stuff with the world!" exclaims another colleague in our meeting.
Are we sharing too much?
For me there isn't much draw in Tweeting via Twitter (in part because "Tweet" and "Twitter" just sound so...stupid) because I can't express enough in just 160 characters. I opted to blog at first simply to provide friends, family and colleagues regular updates about our adoption experience. However, since writing comes about as naturally to me as breathing this format seems to be working well for me.
But am I sharing too much?
I am a LONG-TIME journal keeper - since I was 13 and now I'm 41. When I write about my life and experiences in my private journals, obviously I don't hold back. This blog has certainly, at least for the time being, replaced my private journals and I find myself sharing quite a bit with "the world." Should I be holding back here? I mean - people with whom I work are reading this.
In our conversation on Friday, some of my colleagues and I questioned whether it's a good idea to post crazy or exceptionally personal things on places like Facebook or in a blog.
"A lot of employers," says one of my colleagues, "actually go to Facebook pages to check out prospective employees. I mean, if you've posted a photo of yourself drunk and stupid on your Facebook page, is that what you want your future employer to be seeing?"
Do my colleagues need to know my inner-most thoughts and fears about becoming a mom? Will it make them uncomfortable when they see me around the office?
This same colleague went on to describe the case of a young teacher who was denied her teaching certification because of a photo she posted on her Facebook page showing her wearing a pirate hat, holding what looked like a mug of beer, and captioned "Drunken Pirate." The young teacher apparently appealed the decision and was ultimately granted her certification.
What if I leave this job eventually and as I'm searching for another job my prospective future employer Googles me and encounters this blog? Will I have shared too much and will that person be turned off to me? Will I lose out on a job because I have shared too much?
Why DO we feel so compelled in today's world to share so much of our private lives? Whether it's reporting on your bathroom trips via Twitter or your Drunken Pirate party experience on Facebook or your experience of becoming an adoptive parent as reported on BlogSpot.com?
I can't answer for anyone else, but for me...I like to read people's personal stories. I can't say that I would particularly care to read about everyone's need to head to the loo, but somehow I find that reading other people's stories about motherhood, their professional lives, their spiritual lives, etc. helps me to order my own world. I so appreciate that these folks are willing to share - to be brave and put their thoughts out there.
It's kind of like the way I prefer to read fiction narratives to non-fiction or biographies. I relate better to a story when I understand what the character is thinking via inner monologues and the dialogue of that character with other characters in the book. I recently finished reading March by Geraldine Brooks (a fantastic read if you need a new book!) and learned more about the Civil War than I ever did during the history classes I was forced to take in high school (history classes in which I had to attempt to digest the most dry, boring history text books in the world) because the characters were so compelling and I felt that I was living just a little bit of that experience through their tales.
A true personal story or a fictionalized account of a person experiencing an historical event simply resonates with me and stays with me.
And so I read blogs to learn about how other people are coping with their lives. What they're thinking and feeling and doig about those thoughts and feelings. And this helps me to bring order to my own thoughts and my own life. It is comforting to know that other really bright, intelligent men and women struggle with the same issues that crop up in my own life (not that I wish struggles on anyone!) Reading about how these bloggers work through those struggles is often quite inspiring.
And sometimes I leave a comment or two - maybe something that might help them even a little in working through whatever it is they need to work through or even just to remind them when they're struggling that there are other folks out there who can empathize. A comment that says, "I hear you."
For me - blogs represent shared human experience. Perhaps I am hoping that by sharing my experience with people "out there" in the blogosphere that something in my story may help them make some order of their own experiences. Maybe someone will hear me, too and leave me that little comment that makes all the difference.
And so my plan is to continue to share my inner-most thoughts about this adoption journey and, most likely, to continue sharing about my experience of motherhood once the Little One arrives and we become Plus One.
Have I shared too much here?
06 June 2009
Never forget...adoption is a business
Chris recently wrote a post on his blog Walks in the Marsh about baseball being a business. As much as we fans love to think it's America's Game or just a game or our favorite game...it is a business and it's not only about winning, but it's about money.
As I'm sadly discovering - it's much the same with adoption. As much as we want to be excited and thrilled and overjoyed and all gooey and mushy by the prospect of increasing our family to Plus One and to hope that the people who are going to work with us through this process will feel the same way - ultimately, to them it is a business.
One of my colleagues mentioned this to me in one of my very first conversations about adoption (conversations with someone other than Chris...) She says, "I didn't go the adoption route to make lifelong friends with the adoption people and don't think that you will either. For them this is a business. You can't ever forget that."
And after yesterday...I see exactly what she means.
Chris and I had a phone conference with a law center that specializes in adoptive services. The conversation, while certainly pleasant enough, really drove home the fact that this is a business.
The consultant on the other end of the line was extremely pleasant, but also very business like in explaining all of the ins and outs and fees and processes associated with working with her company. We were referred to as "the clients" throughout the process and she made it perfectly clear that we are the priority in this process - not the birth mother. She talked about aggressive marketing and creation of profile web pages and being able to work in all fifty states because the center is not a non-profit and thus not limited by the same legal/financial restraints placed on non-profits. She mentioned that her center finalized 300 adoptions last year, compared to most non-profit agencies that can do maybe 15-30 adoptions in the same span of time. The fee "phases" were described in detail (and amazingly neither Chris nor I passed out at the amounts presented to us...)
It was a bit disconcerting.
If we choose to work with this law center, I have no doubt that they will be very efficient and we will become Plus One in short order. The consultant assured us that the average wait time is less than 8 months and if we opt for a child of any race that we could have our Little One in as little as 2-4 months.
And I'm confident that everything will be legal and very above board. There was much in the discussion about the legal packet they will prepare to make sure that we are in compliance with all of the adoption laws in both our home state and the state in which the adoption will take place.
And I'm absolutely certain that these folks will very happily take the large amounts of money from us that it apparently costs to add an infant to our family. ($5,800 if we want to specify gender!)
It feels kind of yucky to think about it that way, but for us to move forward with any kind of success I realize now that I'm going to have to adjust my thinking and just deal with it.
It is what it is...and what it is is a business.
As I'm sadly discovering - it's much the same with adoption. As much as we want to be excited and thrilled and overjoyed and all gooey and mushy by the prospect of increasing our family to Plus One and to hope that the people who are going to work with us through this process will feel the same way - ultimately, to them it is a business.
One of my colleagues mentioned this to me in one of my very first conversations about adoption (conversations with someone other than Chris...) She says, "I didn't go the adoption route to make lifelong friends with the adoption people and don't think that you will either. For them this is a business. You can't ever forget that."
And after yesterday...I see exactly what she means.
Chris and I had a phone conference with a law center that specializes in adoptive services. The conversation, while certainly pleasant enough, really drove home the fact that this is a business.
The consultant on the other end of the line was extremely pleasant, but also very business like in explaining all of the ins and outs and fees and processes associated with working with her company. We were referred to as "the clients" throughout the process and she made it perfectly clear that we are the priority in this process - not the birth mother. She talked about aggressive marketing and creation of profile web pages and being able to work in all fifty states because the center is not a non-profit and thus not limited by the same legal/financial restraints placed on non-profits. She mentioned that her center finalized 300 adoptions last year, compared to most non-profit agencies that can do maybe 15-30 adoptions in the same span of time. The fee "phases" were described in detail (and amazingly neither Chris nor I passed out at the amounts presented to us...)
It was a bit disconcerting.
If we choose to work with this law center, I have no doubt that they will be very efficient and we will become Plus One in short order. The consultant assured us that the average wait time is less than 8 months and if we opt for a child of any race that we could have our Little One in as little as 2-4 months.
And I'm confident that everything will be legal and very above board. There was much in the discussion about the legal packet they will prepare to make sure that we are in compliance with all of the adoption laws in both our home state and the state in which the adoption will take place.
And I'm absolutely certain that these folks will very happily take the large amounts of money from us that it apparently costs to add an infant to our family. ($5,800 if we want to specify gender!)
It feels kind of yucky to think about it that way, but for us to move forward with any kind of success I realize now that I'm going to have to adjust my thinking and just deal with it.
It is what it is...and what it is is a business.
02 June 2009
International vs. domestic
International adoptions - we discovered quickly - are immediately final. There is almost no chance that a birth mother will arrive on the scene when the child is three claiming to have changed her mind and want the child back. So I'm not surprised that quite a few people opt for this type of adoption and the accompanying security of knowing that the child they have spent so much time and money to adopt is theirs. Period. No questions asked. Done deal.
When Chris and I first started this journey a while back, we were leaning heavily toward an international adoption for this very reason and because quite a few people we know have successfully gone this route. What we've discovered along the way is that international adoptions certainly have their share of difficulties including, but not limited to: travel expenses on top of adoption fees, travel visas, "gifts" for the in-country contacts and officials, out and out bribes in some countries, your trip being extended from 7 days to 17 days because of problems with the government or your paperwork or that the child you thought you were getting is not the child with which you've been presented, the government collapses when you arrive, a sudden change in adoption law while you are in-country, etc.
One of the social workers with whom we met described how a couple went all the way to Kazakhstan only to encounter what turned out to be an insurmountable obstacle, "When they arrived, they had to go further in-country to the village where the orphanage was located," she tells us, "and to do that they had to fly on a World War II era plane that had no seat belts and no pressurization. The father couldn't do it. He refused to get on the plane and they came back home with no baby."
(This is the same social worker who described Kazakhstan as "The Wild West" of adoptions.)
If the social workers wanted to scare us out of considering international adoption, they did a pretty good job.
The other issue that we discovered in our inquiries regarding international adoption is that there are still very lingering affects of the Bush administration in the world of adoptions. Ecuador, Guatemala and Viet Nam are just a few of the countries that have closed their doors to American adoptive couples as a result of 8 years of paranoia and rudeness from the Bush administration.
"Yeah," says one social worker, "there are a lot of people around the world who still don't like us very much."
This same social worker is hoping that Guatemala will re-open its borders to American adoptive parents and soon because she described their adoption process as easy/smooth and the people in-country as being very nice to work with.
The other consequence of the Bush era and adoptions according to some of the books we have and the social workers with whom we've talked is that the processes in most countries are now much more difficult and lengthier for American prospective parents. If you would like to adopt a baby from China - the wait is currently 2-5 years. A couple that wanted to adopt from Russia 7 years ago used to have to make one trip to secure their child. Now that same couple has to make three visits.
Thank you Dubyuh for making everything more difficult for the rest of us.
I was feeling pretty low once we learned of the numerous challenges facing us if we chose to pursue an international adoption. So we started to make some inquiries about the challenges and benefits of domestic adoption. When we had dinner with our friends K and D who adopted two little girls via domestic adoption and our outlook changed considerably toward that process.
When Chris and I first started this journey a while back, we were leaning heavily toward an international adoption for this very reason and because quite a few people we know have successfully gone this route. What we've discovered along the way is that international adoptions certainly have their share of difficulties including, but not limited to: travel expenses on top of adoption fees, travel visas, "gifts" for the in-country contacts and officials, out and out bribes in some countries, your trip being extended from 7 days to 17 days because of problems with the government or your paperwork or that the child you thought you were getting is not the child with which you've been presented, the government collapses when you arrive, a sudden change in adoption law while you are in-country, etc.
One of the social workers with whom we met described how a couple went all the way to Kazakhstan only to encounter what turned out to be an insurmountable obstacle, "When they arrived, they had to go further in-country to the village where the orphanage was located," she tells us, "and to do that they had to fly on a World War II era plane that had no seat belts and no pressurization. The father couldn't do it. He refused to get on the plane and they came back home with no baby."
(This is the same social worker who described Kazakhstan as "The Wild West" of adoptions.)
If the social workers wanted to scare us out of considering international adoption, they did a pretty good job.
The other issue that we discovered in our inquiries regarding international adoption is that there are still very lingering affects of the Bush administration in the world of adoptions. Ecuador, Guatemala and Viet Nam are just a few of the countries that have closed their doors to American adoptive couples as a result of 8 years of paranoia and rudeness from the Bush administration.
"Yeah," says one social worker, "there are a lot of people around the world who still don't like us very much."
This same social worker is hoping that Guatemala will re-open its borders to American adoptive parents and soon because she described their adoption process as easy/smooth and the people in-country as being very nice to work with.
The other consequence of the Bush era and adoptions according to some of the books we have and the social workers with whom we've talked is that the processes in most countries are now much more difficult and lengthier for American prospective parents. If you would like to adopt a baby from China - the wait is currently 2-5 years. A couple that wanted to adopt from Russia 7 years ago used to have to make one trip to secure their child. Now that same couple has to make three visits.
Thank you Dubyuh for making everything more difficult for the rest of us.
I was feeling pretty low once we learned of the numerous challenges facing us if we chose to pursue an international adoption. So we started to make some inquiries about the challenges and benefits of domestic adoption. When we had dinner with our friends K and D who adopted two little girls via domestic adoption and our outlook changed considerably toward that process.
K & D spoke of the benefits of knowing your child's health history and family background - something not often available in the realm of international adoption. They also mentioned that often the birth mothers get better health/pre-natal care in the U.S. and that domestic adoptions can be much faster than international. Since I'm 41 and Chris is 40, expediency is definitely appealing as we move along. K & D also confirmed what we had heard from the social workers and in some of the literature that we've bee reading - that the incidence of birth parents trying to reclaim their children after an adoption has been finalized (usually 9-12 months after the birth parents have relinquished their parental rights) is very low.
K described being in the delivery room to watch her eldest daughter being born - at once an incredibly awkward and moving experience. K and D's younger daughter came to them when she was just four weeks old after another adoptive couple decided that they didn't want her because she cried too much (she was born with thrush...) K & D told us of the adventures they had putting together their profile - a huge scrapbook of their lives really - and being chosen by their eldest daughter's birth-mom. They also described how for the first few years they were in touch with the birth parents via conference calls, letters and photos, but the interest on both sides eventually waned as the birth parents moved on with their lives (one of the social workers indicated that this is fairly common.)
This isn't to say that domestic adoption isn't without its challenges. K spoke with some sadness of the time that they arrived at the hospital to pick up the child that was to have been their second adopted child only to discover that the birth mother had changed her mind. They were devastated, but luckily the call for the child that would become their youngest daughter came just a few days after that sad time in the hospital.
It's a strange thing knowing that our family and future happiness is predicated on someone else's loss. While it might be nice to have the security an ocean between my adopted daughter and her birth-parents, for me I feel instead that I'd like to (if at all possible) meet the birth-mom and birth-dad.
I like the idea that the birth parents might choose Chris and me above all of the prospective parents they'll see via the adoption profiles... that they'll see our photos and read our life stories and decide that we are the very people to whom they will entrust their baby...what an honor and a privilege. And meeting them - letting them see us and know who we are while having the opportunity to assure them that we will cherish and care for the child that for whatever reasons they can't or have chosen not to keep...well, that feels right, too. I only hope that our Little One's birth-parents will know how much we want her and will love her and strive to make the best possible home and family for her.
01 June 2009
Timetables...waiting, waiting, waiting
So...what Chris and I have done so far to get us that much closer to expanding our family to Plus One:
1. Made the decision to adopt
2. Talked with friends, family and colleagues who have been through the adoption process
3. Met with a social worker from a homestudy agency in MA
4. Met with a social worker from an international adoption agency in RI
5. Searched on-line for other adoption agencies and sent away for informational packets
6. Set up an appointment via conference call with an adoption agency based in CA that specializes in domestic adoptions
7. Started this blog
8. Solicited more advice from friends, family and colleagues
9. Continue to have long conversations about domestic adoption vs. international (we're leaning toward domestic)
10. Started banking all of my salary to use for adoption fees and kid-related stuff
And even though we've done all of the above (which feels like a lot already!) we've barely skimmed the surface of the process. Oy vay! By all accounts from friends, colleagues and the adoption professionals with whom we've talked so far, the rest of this process is relatively tedious, complicated and time consuming.
"It's pretty much a full time job for a while when you're pulling together all of your paper work," one of our friends says to us.
Our next step is to select an organization to help us complete The Home Study. This part of the adoption process is apparently quite the adventure (or ordeal/trial...depending on your attitude...) involving five to six visits from the social worker - a visit/interview with both Chris and I, individual interviews with each of us, followed by another joint interview and an actual home inspection. Both of the adoption professionals with whom we've met assured us that the vast majority of couples looking to adopt pass the home study with mostly flying colors.
"I only had one couple that I didn't think would do very well," says one of the social workers to us, "I walked into their home and they had white couches, whites chairs and a glass and steel coffee table that didn't have a single finger print on it. All I could think was, 'Oh my, what's going to happen when there's a little person with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in this room???'"
Since our entire house is designed to deal with the cat barf from three old and barf-prone cats (slip-covered futon furniture), I feel strongly that we're prepared to deal with kid barf and peanut butter and jelly smears. Thus I'm hoping that we'll at least pass the home inspection.
While we're completing the homestudy there is apparently a myriad of paperwork that will need to be completed/collected/submitted - financial statements, marriage certificates, proof of employment, character references, photos of ourselves and our families, fingerprints, etc.
We even have to write individual autobiographies.
All of this is going to take time. Lots of time.
This is one of the hardest parts of the adoptions process.
When you're pregnant and someone asks you about your due date you can say, "Oh, the baby will arrive in September." With adoption...who knows?
There are no guaranteed timetables in Adoption Land.
We could complete the homestudy in record time get all of our ducks in a row and a baby might still not be available for some time. Or we could get hung up in the home study and paper work phase. Or any number of things could happen. We'll just have to be positive and move forward. We can't necessarily say when, but hopefully the waiting and wondering and paper gathering and home studying will not dampen our enthusiasm for becoming Plus One.
Chris and I mentioned one night at dinner that we are leaning toward pursuing a domestic adoption. Toward the end of dinner, my mother-in-law had a sort of funny, serious look on her face so we asked what she was thinking.
"If you guys are doing a domestic adoption," she says with a suddenly huge grin, "your baby could be in-utero right now!!!"
Indeed... Our Little One may very well be out there right now, growing and getting ready to join the world and our family. We're waiting for you, Little One!
1. Made the decision to adopt
2. Talked with friends, family and colleagues who have been through the adoption process
3. Met with a social worker from a homestudy agency in MA
4. Met with a social worker from an international adoption agency in RI
5. Searched on-line for other adoption agencies and sent away for informational packets
6. Set up an appointment via conference call with an adoption agency based in CA that specializes in domestic adoptions
7. Started this blog
8. Solicited more advice from friends, family and colleagues
9. Continue to have long conversations about domestic adoption vs. international (we're leaning toward domestic)
10. Started banking all of my salary to use for adoption fees and kid-related stuff
And even though we've done all of the above (which feels like a lot already!) we've barely skimmed the surface of the process. Oy vay! By all accounts from friends, colleagues and the adoption professionals with whom we've talked so far, the rest of this process is relatively tedious, complicated and time consuming.
"It's pretty much a full time job for a while when you're pulling together all of your paper work," one of our friends says to us.
Our next step is to select an organization to help us complete The Home Study. This part of the adoption process is apparently quite the adventure (or ordeal/trial...depending on your attitude...) involving five to six visits from the social worker - a visit/interview with both Chris and I, individual interviews with each of us, followed by another joint interview and an actual home inspection. Both of the adoption professionals with whom we've met assured us that the vast majority of couples looking to adopt pass the home study with mostly flying colors.
"I only had one couple that I didn't think would do very well," says one of the social workers to us, "I walked into their home and they had white couches, whites chairs and a glass and steel coffee table that didn't have a single finger print on it. All I could think was, 'Oh my, what's going to happen when there's a little person with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in this room???'"
Since our entire house is designed to deal with the cat barf from three old and barf-prone cats (slip-covered futon furniture), I feel strongly that we're prepared to deal with kid barf and peanut butter and jelly smears. Thus I'm hoping that we'll at least pass the home inspection.
While we're completing the homestudy there is apparently a myriad of paperwork that will need to be completed/collected/submitted - financial statements, marriage certificates, proof of employment, character references, photos of ourselves and our families, fingerprints, etc.
We even have to write individual autobiographies.
All of this is going to take time. Lots of time.
This is one of the hardest parts of the adoptions process.
When you're pregnant and someone asks you about your due date you can say, "Oh, the baby will arrive in September." With adoption...who knows?
There are no guaranteed timetables in Adoption Land.
We could complete the homestudy in record time get all of our ducks in a row and a baby might still not be available for some time. Or we could get hung up in the home study and paper work phase. Or any number of things could happen. We'll just have to be positive and move forward. We can't necessarily say when, but hopefully the waiting and wondering and paper gathering and home studying will not dampen our enthusiasm for becoming Plus One.
Chris and I mentioned one night at dinner that we are leaning toward pursuing a domestic adoption. Toward the end of dinner, my mother-in-law had a sort of funny, serious look on her face so we asked what she was thinking.
"If you guys are doing a domestic adoption," she says with a suddenly huge grin, "your baby could be in-utero right now!!!"
Indeed... Our Little One may very well be out there right now, growing and getting ready to join the world and our family. We're waiting for you, Little One!
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