Doubt revisited....

OK, I admit it...I'm a bit nervous about our first home-study visit scheduled to take place tomorrow.

Part of me knows that Chris and I are going to make it through the home-study process with (hopefully) flying colors. Part of me says, "We're great! Any child would be really lucky to have us as parents! I'm going to be a good mom!"

And then there's that other little, irrational, nasty, doubt-filled part of me that thinks its oily, horrible little thoughts in one almost forgotten corner of my mind. It asks in a terrible little whisper... "Who, in their right minds, would let YOU have a kid?"

Doubt.

Vipassana Buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal had the following to say about doubt in a talk entitled "The Five Hindrances: Doubt" given on November 24, 20008:

Doubt is said to be the most dangerous of The Five Hindrances...especially for the sake of the spiritual practice because doubt can cause a person to abandon their spiritual practice if you have enough doubt about it. It's said to be a very powerful force for some people and probably for all people sooner or later. Some people have a lot of doubt to begin with or in what they're doing. It's a major, major challenge for them in their practice. Some people have very little doubt. They can be very set, very inspired, very resolved and engage very deeply in practice until some major life crisis arises. Something really big happens in their life...and then the doubt can arise. "Oh, what good is this practice I'm doing? Now that I'm struggling with these major issues in my life I can't see this practice...what good is it going to do me?"

Doubt has the affect of indecision, vacillation, holding back, sometimes resistance, sometimes giving up...It can also come mixed with other attitudes, approaches and emotions. Sometimes it comes along with fear. Sometimes it comes along with anger, sleepiness, boredom, discontent. It always come along with a lack of mindfulness...This is one of the tricky things about all of the Hindrances, but especially with doubt. It has a kind of camouflaging quality about it where a person can be in the grip of doubt and we believe it enough - the doubt - that we don't see it as doubt.

Overcoming doubt and fear has been one of the greatest challenges that I have experienced in my 41 years of life.

Even now - when I am so happy to be on this path with Chris - this path toward becoming Plus One...When I feel so sure and right that this is what we're meant to be doing. Even now...

Doubt.

It's sneaky and insidious and catches me unaware.

And I have a moment where I wonder...where I doubt...

But I don't want to have those moments. I don't want to wonder. I don't want to let myself get into the grip of the little monster - the Fifth and final and most odious of the Hindrances.

So I'll share my moment of doubt here. I'll release it into the world instead of letting it fester and grow in that almost forgotten corner of my mind.

And I will be mindful.

And tomorrow will be just fine.

Becoming a mom...for Sarah

I was surprised today when I discovered a rather lengthy and serious comment left Thursday night on my May 28 post "Becoming a mom...a new idea"

Thank you so much, Sarah, for leaving such heartfelt thoughts. I'm honored that you felt safe enough to share your worries here. You didn't leave a way to contact you so I'm just going to hope that you return to "In the present moment..." and I'm writing this post for you.

Please know that I am (obviously) no expert. I'm just a woman trying to sort through the journey I'm on with my husband and the prospect of becoming a mother.

Please also know that I hear you and I can empathize. In fact, it was odd reading your words because so much of what you shared sounded exactly like journal entries I've written over the years! You shared your fears about: being home all day, being lonely and bored, the pain of child birth and the fear of post-partum depression, not being able to travel, not being a good mother, your relationship suffering as a result of the stress of raising children, and money issues.

In spite of your fears, it seems to me that you are doing great things for yourself as you contemplate the prospect of motherhood - like looking online to see what other women are thinking/feeling/fearing/hoping, looking closely at your own fears and motivations, seeking books to help educate yourself and work through some of your fears, and best of all you are seeing a therapist. While I don't feel it's my place to give out advice, I would encourage you to continue doing the things you're doing - especially working with a therapist if he/she is someone with whom you feel comfortable.

You asked if I know of any books about would help a woman who fears motherhood...I have not read any that deal with the specific topic of fear and motherhood. Instead, I have focused on working through fear/doubt/anxiety in general - by working closely with a wonderful therapist who is helping me to address and understand my issues as a human being.

There are resources from which I have drawn incredible comfort, solace, inspiration and learning and they are mainly focused on mindfulness...Some of my favorite books:

Inner Wisdom by Louise Hay

The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and John Kabat-Zinn

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

Instructions to the Cook: A Zen Master's Lessons in Living a Life That Matters by Bernie Glassman

Additionally, I have found that listening to Buddhist teacher, Gil Fronsdal, on my commute to and from work has been a source of great peace and learning for me. I downloaded Dharma Talks by Gil Fronsdal and have found the following talks to be of special interest and use in my life:

1. The Five Hindrances: Doubt (11/24/08)
2. Mindfulness of Thinking (weeks 1-4 given 8/13 - 9/3/07)
3. What is Mindfulness? (4/13/08)

The other resources that have proven to be the most incredibly helpful and inspirational are, of course, the many wonderful people in my life: my husband, parents, friends, colleagues, therapist, and folks like you that I am meeting online. It's truly amazing how willing everyone has been and continues to be to share their stories, advice and wisdom. The more I share my concerns, the more kind and generous people make their way to me to help me in this adventure. I am so grateful and blessed.

What will work best for you, Sarah? I don't know. But you appear to be seriously exploring the possibility of motherhood and I imagine that if you continue on this path that the resources you need will find their way to you just as what I needed found its way to me.

As I said before, I am by no means any kind of expert, but I will always try to share what is happening on this journey to parenthood.

I wish the very best as you sort through your own journey, Sarah - whether you choose to pursue motherhood or decide that perhaps it is not quite for you. If you feel comfortable, I hope you'll keep in touch and share where you are in your process.

The Good Father...

Chris is going to be a great dad.

Of this, I am certain.

Not only does he love kids, but he's great with them. Last weekend when E & J were visiting with their kids F and A, my husband was at his finest.

He and 9 year-old F grab the badminton rackets/birdies and commence attempting to keep up a string of unbroken volleys. Chris counts out loud with each hit of the birdie. F laughs and giggles each time that she and Chris keep the birdie aloft and laughs even more at his mock cries of distress when one of them misses.

"Seven...Eight...Nine....Ten...Eleven...OH NO! We were doing so great! Let's try again!...One... two...three..."

4 year-old A watches from the safety of our hammock, laughing also at Chris when he lets out a cry at a dropped birdie. E, J and I watch from the deck and share in the laughter as well. The game goes on and on and on with neither player - adult or kid - showing any signs of tiring. They eventually put together an impressive string of 28 unbroken volleys.

I fall just that much more in love with Chris while watching him interact so naturally with the kids.

He has so much patience and kindness in him. Our Little One will be so lucky to have him as a Dad.

But, of course, I wonder a little...underneath that confident and caring exterior, does Chris have the same worries that I do?

Does he wonder if he's good enough to be a father?

Are all fathers assailed by doubt?

Post Script

This morning before we leave for work I mention to Chris that I have written a post about him. He is syncing his iPod to his computer and so makes a quick foray to "In the present moment..."

Upon reading this post he turns to me and says, "Thank you."

I ask him, "So, are you worried about being a dad? Do you have doubts?"

"No," he replies, "I don't have any worries about being with our kid or anything to do with being a dad that way. The stuff I worry about is the money and if our house is big enough - you know - the practicalities. That's the stuff I worry about."

Do all Dads worry about the practicalities?

The Good Mother...

My father-in-law, upon learning the news that we are planning to adopt, says to Chris "It's the most important thing you'll ever do." Of this, I'm certain. However, I do - even in the midst of the joy I'm feeling now that we're on the road to being Plus One - have that one really niggling worry...

What if I'm not good enough?

For a lot of years (more than I'd care to recollect or admit) I had no confidence in myself - professionally or personally. The story I told myself over and over:

I'm not good enough.

I was (and sadly sometimes still am) plagued by fear, doubt and a rather unfortunate tendency toward perfectionism... not an ideal combination of qualities because they most often seem to result in the "If I can't do it well, I just won't do it at all" syndrome. Over the years I turned down several promotions, ran from relationships, sabotaged myself in grad school (twice), and certainly didn't take the kinds of risks that could have and would have greatly enriched my life...

like becoming a mother...

All because I convinced myself that I wasn't "good enough" to either engage successfully (or perfectly) in those professional/educational/personal activities. And I'm sure that a big part of me simply didn't believe or accept that I was "good enough" to deserve good things in my life.

Thankfully I didn't run from Chris (8 years of marriage and counting!) and even more thankfully I am opening myself up to motherhood.

But what does it mean to be a "good" mother?

Are all mothers assailed by doubt?

When I study my sister-in-law as she navigates the waters of motherhood I'm always amazed by the vast amount of patience she seems to have for her little girls. She rarely seems phased... Disgusting dirty diaper? Whatever. Screaming 4 year-old? No problem. Toys all over the house and piles of laundry yet to fold? Hey, it is what it is.

My sister-in-law has settled into motherhood with a lovely kind of grace - like it's what she was always meant to do. My nieces are for the most part very happy little girls - the oldest a story teller and artist who chatters away and the baby a smiley little thing who has a wonderful disposition.

It's the same way with my friend E and her two Little Ones - daughter F & son A. I have yet to hear E raise her voice when F and A are bickering or getting out of hand. Nor have I ever heard her treat her children with any less respect than she would another adult. Because she has always treated her children like adults they are incredibly articulate, respectful, mindful and truly amazing little people.

I look at my mom, at my mother-in-law and at my father-in-law's lovely wife and marvel at the their skills, talents and patience as mothers and human beings. And I realize that I have so many resources from which to draw strength, inspiration and support. These are the women who are good mothers.

Today I happened to be in Whole Foods Market and had to make a trip to the ladies room. Upon opening the door I came upon the following scene: A mom on her knees in front of a little girl (obviously her daughter - maybe 5 years old) who has a her pants down and is crying a little. The mom looks at me and in a very calm voice says, "We spilled some hot soup" as if she has to explain this to me.

"Oh, dear," I reply.

The little girl snuffles a little as her mother applies to the reddened area of the girl's leg a paper towel that she has soaked in cool water. "OK," the mom still in a nice calm voice, "that's nice and cool isn't it?"

The little girl nods. Snuffles a little more.

"This is going to make that hot feeling go away," says the mom. "And you know what?"

"What?" asks the little girl.

"They have some really nice lotion here and we'll put that on your leg after it's all cooled off so it will feel just like new."

A nod from the little girl. Then she looks down and says something too quiet to hear.

"What was that, Sweetie?"

"I spilled the soup on the bench," she says just a little louder.

"Well, that's OK. That should be pretty easy to clean up," says the mom in her very calm voice as she continues with a new cold compress.

"And," says the little girl, "I spilled all over the table, too."

She looks embarrassed.

"You know what, Sweetie? People spill here all of the time so they make the tables really easy to clean. It's not a problem at all."

After I finish my business in the ladies room, I leave the mom and her daughter behind to finish cleaning the jeans of soup stains.

I think to myself, "That lady is a good mom."